Online Dating – Why Isn’t it Working for Me?
Tuesday, March 27th, 2012In this new era of internet dating, finding a partner should be easy, right? As many of you know it’s not that simple.
What makes it so hard? Well for starters, men spend 65% or more of their time looking at photos; while women spend 50% or more of their online search time reading the profiles. That’s a huge disconnect!!
Ladies, if you aren’t using the best, most attractive picture of yourself then you are losing out on a large portion of potential matches. And guys, if you haven’t given some time and thought to what you’ve written in your profile you are also losing out on a large portion of potential matches.
In addition to the differences in the way men and women search for matches online, there is also the “bargain shopper” mentality. What does that mean? Well, if you paid for an all you can eat buffet don’t you want to get your money’s worth? The same mentality holds true for online dating – if I’ve paid for 3 months worth of Match.com then I want to get my money’s worth!
Now think – What if the first date you go on is fantastic? What if you see that same guy/gal 4 or 5 more times and things are going well? That’s GREAT! Right? You’ve potentially found what you’re looking for!
If you take the bargain shopper approach, you are likely to think “But wait, I still have 2.8 months left to use on my account and I’ve paid for it!” You want to get your money’s worth, right? Sadly, this approach could cost you the person you are looking for.
To be more successful online you need to change how you think about online dating. Stop worrying if you still have time left on your account – if you’ve met someone great isn’t that priceless?
If you are truly looking to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right, if that is really your purpose in using online dating, then it shouldn’t matter if you meet them on date #1 or date #101 as long as you meet them.
Put your best foot forward – use the best profile picture possible, write about yourself in a way to set yourself apart and do your best to let those reading your profile get a glimpse into who you really are.
Chime in and post your opinion here on our Blog!
I totally agree with this, which is one reason why I am on a free site, OK Cupid. The Q & A approach that they use gives those of us who want more information on a potential date, the opportunity to really see if there are some fundamental similarities. And, there is not the “I spent x for x amount of time, so I’m going to use it” mentality. I do find that most men just look at pictures, no matter what. I’m happy when a guy actually shows that he cares enough to read what I’ve written! Perhaps that might mean that he wants more than a one night stand!
I do use a good picture that actually looks like me. Another thing that Sheryl doesn’t mention in her blog is that some people use very old pictures. If you do that, you might get noticed, but once you meet, the other person will know the truth, so why not start with the truth? If you lie about how you look, it sets up the date to wonder what else isn’t true…
Take the time to get a photographer to take a good picture, if possible. There is almost nothing worse than the pictures of guys that they take with their web cam or camera, themselves. They’re fuzzy and distorted. Not attractive. We women also care about how you present yourselves!
I had professional pics taken in January. The problem for me is that I feel the men only look at my pics and not my profile. The ones who contact me I wouldn’t be interested in, and the ones I contact don’t seem to be interested in me…HELP!
I have been on more than 50 ‘coffee dates’ with no one even close to someone I would be compatible with. Online dating is great in that it lets you find more about yourself and what you are looking for, but that’s been it for me…
Are we the only two who care about this topic? Where are the men? I agree with you, Lynn. I’ve had lots of single dates from online dating sites, but rarely anything more. I think the longest I’ve gone out with anyone from a dating site was 3 months, and we just weren’t that compatible, intimately. I’d love some advice, as well.
I have been online dating for 3 years. To say it’s exhausting, is an understatement. I understand the picture thing, because chemistry is very important, but please…..use a current picture. Athletic and toned does not mean 50 pounds overweight, we will notice that…I have also found that 5’10 or taller means 5’7 to some men, and yup, we’re gonna notice…I have another pet peeve while we’re at it…..we are all on the “market” now, that means to put your best foot forward….maintain a marketable appearance, be healthy, take care of your teeth, which is a huge turn off for me if they have a nasty grill, groom yourselves and if you smell good, that’s a bonus. It doesn’t seem like it would be this hard to meet someone….I have been on over 120 dates, and I always tell my friends about each and every one of them….they can’t believe it….some of the dates are so crazy, you can’t make this stuff up…lol…I also take notes about each date…that way if they post a new profile, which a lot of them do, I don’t get sucked back in….I am still hopeful to meet the man of my dreams….patience…..
I have used a number of online dating sites and have found the shorter my profile, the better. Woman read a profile looking for red flags. They look for a reason to not respond to you. If they are mildly attractive, they are getting a lot of emails. They are looking for ways to eliminate you from their list. Why give them the ammunition? The other issue with online dating is that everyone is looking to “upgrade”. Most guys aren’t going to have the cajones to walk up to that supermodel type on the street and say hello. However, they don’t hesitate to send her an email. A woman never would approach that hot guy at a bar or in a shop, but she will send him an online “wink”. Also, I think the job that the profile has to do is different for men than it is for woman. Woman are looking for a man who is honest, stable, secure, “comfortable in his own skin”,etc. Those qualities are not easily conveyed through an online dating profile. It requires the ability to appeal to a woman’s emotions and to open one’s self up through the written word. Even if a woman comes across the man of her dreams, she may pass him up simply because he is a lousy writer. And god forbid he should make a grammatical error or a typo. Men are looking for someone who is cute and likes some of the things they like. That’s easily done with a few photographs and a list of activities she’s into. So a woman spends hours pouring over the written content of men’s profiles only to be disappointed that they don’t contain the words that will stir her heart, and men are looking at pictures of the cutest woman and checking to see if they like hiking, or whatever activity they’re into. It’s like the blind men and the elephant fable (Google it).
You have to relearn the clues, make your way through the detritus, and focus on the goal. It is another conduit to what you seek – but in order to use it effectively there has to be a slight tweak in how you harness technology. I give a few insights and ground rules in my blog.
http://conniemckissack.blogspot.com/search/label/dating
Jim, that was a very insightful posting. When I read that women are loking for red flags, I have to agree. Online dating is scary. It can be dangerous (physically and emotionally) as we set ourselves up to be judged and rejected, to try and to fail at a sensitive and vulnerable aspect of our lives. It can be exhausting to meet men who do not have the same values and standards.
When women get together and discuss online dating, a theme emerges – the perfidy of the reality vs. the profile. One common lie we encounter is height, and I have come to believe that men think we will like them so much in person that we won’t care about how tall they are (or aren’t), which may be true, but it is insulting to have this hypothesis tested on us through a lie. Others include their employment status (adults, unless wealthy or retired, should have real jobs), their current involvement with a significant other (we don’t want a boyfriend who lives with his “ex”), education level (an abundance of spelling and grammatical errors, however hotly defended, mean uneducated, careless, or stupid), and anger issues. Angry, bitter men are no fun, and to get all dressed up and build up expectations to spend an hour with a man who is seething, is the worst. Hygiene and grooming are other problems. This is unbelievable to me, as men want their women young, slim, and gorgeous. It seems the more repulsive a man’s presentation is, the more supermodel-like his expectations are for his mate. Although stories about disastrous dates can make for some good laughs, at the time they just lead to disappointment and wariness. Which is why we are looking for red flags.
Like so many others, I have gone on more bad dates than good ones through online dating. I keep trying, though, because of all the evidence I see around me of people who have met their mates this way.
I agree that men seem to be looking for women who share their hobbies, and I don’t think that really makes for the most solid foundation for a good relationship. Sharing the same values is more important than sharing the same sport or hobby. As I said in my profile, “I promise not to make you go dancing or to the craft fair with me”.
Jim,
If I met more literate, insightful men, such as you, I wouldn’t be writing on this blog!
You say we look for good grammar. Yes, I for one, do. But, why does that bother you? Your spelling and grammar are great. As Diane says, bad spelling indicates more than a misspelled word here or there. We all, even me, have made errors. It’s the profiles and emails that have every other word misspelled that I think we’re both talking about. It does show that a person didn’t pay attention in school or simply doesn’t care how they come across.
I, for one, am not looking for the words that will stir my heart. At this stage of my life, I’m looking for intelligence, compassion, and some shared interests. In person, we find out if there’s any spark. What I notice is that a lot of men are looking for a fantasy, not a real person. They want to flirt online, and don’t really want to know who I am. I’m not looking for a fantasy man. I’m looking for a real man, who is compatible with me, who I can have a conversation with, and who I am attracted to.
As far as the length of a profile goes, there can be too long, and there can be too short. But, please don’t restrict yourself because you think we’re looking for red flags. I have taken to not responding to those who don’t post a picture or say enough about themselves. It makes me think they have something to hide.
I joined a site that I wish I hadn’t, a few weeks back. I paid for 6 months on the advice of a friend, without sampling the site first for a month. Never again! I have never experienced so many men who don’t bother to read my profile, and who have nothing at all in common with me. They simply look at my pictures and send me “flirts.” I was getting 10-15 of these non-messages per day at first. I’ve had to now put a whole paragraph at the front of my profile that requests that they post a picture (in spite of what some may think, it’s a safety issue. I believe that in this day and age, if you can’t post a picture, you’re married, wanted by the law, or have no confidence in yourself. In any case, I want to know who I’m conversing with, and it’s just not comfortable to chat with a blank profile). I post pictures. Fair is fair. Next, they must live within 50 miles of Denver (I am not looking for a pen pal, I want to actually get to know them). Finally, I ask that they not use the website’s “flirt” messages with no personal note. I will respond to those who show me the same courtesy I show them, by reading their profile and posting pictures, to see if we might be compatible. We may or may not find we have things in common, but at least there is a level playing field that way.
And, oh, yes, I have been on many more bad dates than good ones, and usually it’s because, as one of you said, people are not truthful online. And, sometimes one of us doesn’t give it more than a first date. We all get to choose. I’m still hopeful, though. It only takes one…