Do Women Over 55 Really Want a Relationship?
Wednesday, June 17th, 2009I was recently talking with one of my clients about some of the women we’ve introduced him to. These women have been great matches; he’s liked several of them and has wanted to see them again. Unfortunately, they haven’t had an interest in seeing him again. I asked him why he thought this was, what was the common denominator in all of these dates? His answer? They are all 55 or older.
Why Doesn’t She Want to See Him Again?
He feels that women over 55 want to have that love at first site feeling again. That experience of being swept off their feet, taken out, entertained, but they don’t really want a relationship. Therefore, if they don’t get that flutter in their stomach from him, they have no interest in pursuing a relationship.
The Common Denominator
What might be apparent to everyone reading this is the other common denominator in this equation, him. I tried to steer the conversation in this direction, attempting to get at what could potentially be standing in his way – himself. What might he be doing or not doing on these dates that could be causing these women not to want to see him again?
Ego or Accurate?
He insists it’s the women, so I brought it up with some of my other clients in his age group. Some of the men agreed whole heartedly, saying that women over 55 are too set in their ways, they’ve forgotten how to appreciate a man, they don’t say thank you, and they take the men for granted. However, several of my clients also disagreed and said that while it never feels good to be rejected, you need to put your ego aside and figure out what you might be doing that is keeping you from getting a second or even third date.
What do you think? I’d love to hear from the ladies 55+, do you truly want a relationship? or just a companion to take you to dinner on occasion? Do you prefer to spend your quality time with friends and family? Sound out and let us know your thoughts!
I’m 58 and I want a relationship. My children are independent adults and I am free to pour myself into a new relationship and lots of activities which are more fun to share with someone that you care about. In addition, most of my friends are married.
This might be really hard for many men to hear, but many men I’ve met since my divorce are still living in the past and haven’t worked through the reasons they ended up divorced. Anger and bitterness are strong emotions and from what I’ve seen, many men, (not all) are still dealing with the past ( as they say many women are). Before I started dating again, I waited for 3 years after my 23 year marriage so that I could put the past in it’s place and move forward. I’ve been divorced 10 years and I still haven’t found the type of man I feel is emotionally available to me.
Dating has changed so much and so many people are willing to put their morals and integrity on the line for so little in return. I would love to find a great guy, someone I have true feelings and intimacy with. It takes time to find that sort of person and too many men and women are in a rush and don’t want to even make the commitment to even learning how to be a friend first.
Oh well… that’s my comment from a 50 something woman…
I’m in agreement with Poppy and Antoinette. I do want a relationship. It took me 2 years after my divorce to even start dating again. I wanted to understand my own role in what happened, and to emotionally move on. I think that’s important to do, and not everyone does it. They just try to jump right back in, and they make the same mistakes over and over again.
Sheryl’s client telling her that women over-romanticize and want to be swept off their feet – well, honestly, I’ve met many men in the past few years who, if they don’t get “chemistry” on the first date, don’t give women another chance. They seem to be in a fantasy-land of how a woman “should” act towards them – perhaps they want 100% of my focus and don’t want to “share” me with my friends, my work, or my other interests. That’s just not realistic. We’ve been living life, after divorce, and, if we’re vital humans, we have multiple interests and activities that we enjoy. That’s healthy!
Over time and as a relationship grows, certainly more of my time would be spent with my man. I’m still hopeful that a man will be out there who appreciates me for who I am and who I will appreciate for who he is. Other interests are enriching to a relationship. When we stop being interested in life and what’s available to do in life, we stop living. And, we stop laughing.
I’ve been rejected after first dates, and I’ve rejected after first dates. It goes both ways. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve met many men who clearly don’t want a relationship. They’re afraid or they don’t want to invest the time and energy. But, I’m still hopeful. I want a vital, romantic, sexual relationship with a man who has varied interests.
If your client keeps getting rejected on first dates, perhaps there is something he is doing or saying that turns women off. Have you asked the women he’s gone out with why they didn’t want to go out with him again, Sheryl? If he’s over 55 himself, perhaps he has an outmoded idea of how relationships should work. Perhaps he talks too much about himself. Perhaps he eats with his mouth open! Maybe he needs a “fly on the wall” to watch what he does! But, if this happens multiple times in the same way, I’m guessing it’s something he’s doing or saying, not the other way around…
I am over 55 and very young looking yes due to enhancing procedures.
I am heterosexul but I am not in men with wrinkles. I am very vain about myself and it is just a turn off to look at older men. So I guess maybe I could be attracted to a younger man but I just do not want to try to relate to men anymore. So yes some women over 55 do not want to have a relationship with men over 40.
I’m over 55 and female. Most people are having initial contact via the the internet, become intimate via the internet and build up expectations and fantasies before they meet in person. It sets people up for unrealistic expectations. When they do meet, it is a disappointment to one or both. Why is it about relationships instead of dating? What happened to dating? Men and women expect too much, too soon. What is wrong with a nice hike or coffee and conversation?
I don’t know if I have chemistry with someone I don’t even know.
If you don’t want to be judged, don’t judge others. Enjoy the moment and each others company.
I am 59 and I can honestly say that I DO want a relationship. I have been looking now for 12 years and have had three short term relationships. I have found that the internet makes it so easy to move on instead of working through the issues that might arise. Many are still looking for, and dreaming of that near perfect relationship, and as soon as anything seems the least bit difficult to deal with, they (and I have been guilty of this too) end it and move on. I think that most of us who want relationships but don’t have them hold unrealistic goals.
My alone time is so important to me now, I don’t want anyone asking me where I am and what I am doing. I have raised 4 children, I have a career, own a condo, no debts, plenty to keep me busy. A man equally as centered would be welcome into my life – but so many men drink too much, owe too much or miss their ex wife too much.
After having spent a lot of time alone since my last relationship closed down, I desided to go on the net. And I have enrolled in a few sights, most of which only want your money. (surprise surprise ) I have send a good deal of messages to women looking for ,,,,,,,, Good man wanted,,,,,,, Honest reliable guy wanted,,,,,,,,, company sought,,,, knight in shining armour wanted,,,,,,, and god knows how many other punch lines…
Now the thing is, I replied to loads of these damsels in distress, and guess what ??????????????????????????? SOD ALL REPLY thats right not a f*******g sossage from them……………. Confused dot com or what ???
What the hell are they up to ????? they advertise if you want to contact them you must not be looking to do druge look for sex not smoke not drink not look for other relationship !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO There is anyone listening ??????? How the hell can we do anything rite??????
If they dont answer our message, even with a simple ” NO THANKS”..
Then we would know where we stand, but they dont even have the manners to do that. I blame the sight,s for this, because they should have a system in place to prevent them opening another massage until they have delt with one at a time. ITS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE , is it.??.
Go on then broadcast my email, I dare you. Thanks Jim Kinghan.
Jim,
I respond to anyone who emails me, even if it is to say no thanks. The site I’m on now doesn’t allow you to email until you go through their process. I’ve noticed that not everyone understands the process. I don’t know what sites you’ve been on, but both Chemistry.com and eharmony.com require you to go through a process first before you can directly respond to anyone.
There is also the possibility that the women you wrote to are not paying members of the website. If you’re not a paying member, you can’t respond. I agree that the websites should not keep up profiles of people who are not paying members, it can be upsetting to those who are, and are waiting for responses.
You sound really angry and challenging in your post. I hope that’s not your tone when you email women. If that’s how you sound in your emails, I’m not surprised you don’t hear back. No one really wants to deal with someone who sends ‘yelling’ emails. I’ve had a few men argue politics with me on dating sites. Not appropriate, and not attractive to us female-types.
Also, you might invest in a spell checker. I’m sorry, but it does matter to me if someone knows the difference between ‘site’ (as in website) and ‘sight’ (as in to see). Or, the difference between ‘send’ and ‘sent.’ I also have no idea what you mean by SOD. If it’s profane, then it’s probably not appropriate to post.
I am a writer, in addition to many other things that I do, so for me, grammar and spelling are important. But, I would still have responded to you in some fashion if you’d written to me. I cannot speak for anyone else.
Good luck to you.
Well stated Sondra!!! I just cannot figure out why more men don’t pay a bit more attention to spelling and grammar. To me it’s like fingernails on a blackboard if they can’t use the right context of a word or don’t take the time to check on a spelling. I can’t help but to immediately judge that they are likely not my type, and I move on to write to guys who do pay attention to such things.
Online meeting and dating is an interesting experience to say the least. So many seem to be just “window shopping” and not wanting to buy, even when they find what they say they are looking for. It’s no wonder that so many people lose interest in online dating and give up on it.
I ask……… DO MEN OVER 55 REALLY WANT RELATIONSHIP? And do they view relationship differently than women over age 55?
Mary
Thank you Sondra and Mary, I take your point,s ref the spelling and the fingernails on the blackboard. Yes but we are not all perfect, and should allow for short comming,s here and there. Had I known you to be a writer, I would have made a better effort.
However I agree that my letter was of an angry tone, you did guess correct. You would be right to think as you did, of course i would never send such a letter to someone that I wished to make contact. The point in relation to members that dont reply, I agree with you that some cant send back a message , due to the unpaid situation. This is most unfair to those members as well as the writers of the messages.
With so many internet company,s all operating it is a mine field , not knowing which way to jump next, they should indeed remove unpaid member,s so that the rest of us can get a better picture, of who is serious and in so doing be happier to write a message, and be more likely to get a reply.
If the unpaid member,s were seperated from the paid, then that would again let us know where we stand. And this would not be hurtfull to anyone.
I dont see the point of anyone joining up, and not paying anything and expecting everything in return. Plenty of fish is a free sight, as it is stated so and messages can be exchanged without a penny. I dont know about other,s as they all seem to look for your money before you get through the door…..
Let there be change in 2010.. “How did I do this time ladie,s”???? Jim.
Jim,
I’ve been trying to decide whether to respond or not. I don’t want to be rude. Really. This is a forum, not a dating site, and since you’re asking for feedback, I’ll give it to you. I hope it’s OK if I’m honest and blunt.
If your last post was an attempt to improve your spelling and grammar, if you proof-read it and thought it was better, well then – the educational system failed you miserably. You don’t seem to know the difference between an apostrophe and a comma, nor do you seem to know when to use them. The word ‘shortcomings’ is not spelled the way you did it (and this is easily checked on the web or if you open up Microsoft Word and write it on a blank page, if you don’t have a dictionary). ‘Companies’ is not the same as ‘company,s.’ If you wanted to make the word ‘company’ plural, you don’t add a comma. There are lots more issues in your post. If a person makes one or two errors in a post, I’ll figure it’s an oversight. But, if a person’s post is riddled with misspellings and poor grammar, I figure they either don’t care or weren’t properly educated. Either way, I’m with Mary, I’ll move on to someone who can spell and cares about it.
Jim, seriously. I may be a writer, but most people I know do care if their friends or loved ones can spell, and many people that I know are turned off by people who don’t take the time and energy to write properly, especially those over 55. Indeed, if you’re going to try and date on the internet, it becomes obvious all too quickly if you can’t spell. You will be rejected by more than those people who are writers if you don’t take the time or care to improve in that direction.
You might be better off to meet people live. That way, they’ll experience your sparkling personality first, and by the time you charm them, they may not care as much if you can’t spell. Join a singles Meet Up (www.meetup.com has lots of singles groups in the Denver area). And, the owner of this forum, Sheryl Williams, often posts upcoming events you can attend.
It’s true that sometimes opposites attract, but it is also true that like attracts like, so you generally find that college graduates hang together and high school grads hang together, if you catch my drift. I was just giving you feedback on perhaps why you weren’t getting responses. It’s your choice completely whether you choose to accept the input.
Good luck.
Sondra
A meetup for singles that you can join in Denver is http://www.meetup.com/singlesadventuresden/
Everyone wants a ready made partner and a perfect one at that. That is why the dating sites are so successful. It’s a catalog of dreams.
If the one you just met for coffee doesn’t have that “chemistry” then just keep meeting others for coffee. Isn’t it just a numbers game? This is what I hear ad nauseam.
Get real and get off the net. Meet people. Go to parties. Have parties. Go to hiking events. Go on adventures. Volunteer to help people. Enjoy life!
This does not guarantee a happy ending with a partner but it does guarantee that YOU will be fulfilled and happy either way.
Tricia
Singles Adventures
It’s nice to see such a great conversation going with good points from everyone. Just to stick up for Jim a bit and being the moderator of this blog, he is writing from the UK (at least his email is a UK email) so you may want to give him a break on some of the errors. I suspect there may be a mix up between comma’s and apostrophe’s and we know they spell some words differently in the UK than here (sence vs. sense, etc). I just love to see people communicating!
Sheryl, Ignite Matchmaking
P.S. – Thanks for the Meetup info Tricia, I’d love to find out more. Not sure they have meetup.com events in the UK!
Thank you Sheryl, I am in deed UK Northern Ireland to be exact. And we do spell several words different Eg; FONE in thu USA is my personal favorite, it in the UK is PHOHE. Thats a stupid way to spell it, I think so anyway.
There are many word’s and spelling’s that differ but mean the same thing. by the same token here is a classic.
When entering a hotel in Nashville TN. I spotted a notice on the door which read ” NO SOLICTING ” In the uk a lawyer is called a solicitor, so one of my friend’s that night ,who is a solicitor thought he was barred from the hotel, until I explained the difference.
Apart from all that, I never had much intrest in school and did not pay attention to how to spell correctly, or where the comma’s should or should not be. My idea is still this, if the reader of a badly written letter cant understand the meening of the writer, because of the spelling, well it’s a bit of hard luck they are having. (no disrespect intended or implied).
Thank you to you all for picking up on all these point’s and , I hope you enjoy the funny side of it all and have a good, laff or laugh, delete whichever does not apply.
kind regard’s to you all Jim Kinghan N.Ireland.
I may be very late in chiming in here; but I know a few bad spellers. I will write about one in particular … not your average Joe. He is a Yale graduate (with honors). He is a successful CEO — super intelligent, innovative, articulate, in perfect shape, great sense of humor, good looking, very sweet guy …… who cannot spell worth a lick. Even spellcheck does not catch all his errors. When he writes emails to his friends, he does not even bother with spellcheck. It is a standing endearing joke that he cannot spell but we have no trouble reading his stuff. We have told him considering the rich life he has lived, he should write a book, and not use spellcheck. what he means is clearly understood and his misspellings provide us with humor. Sometimes we cannot judge what is on the other side of a piece of writing wrought with spelling errors. Not everyone is a professional writer. This guy is married; but I guarantee he would be 90% of these critical women’s ideal man. If you went on a date with this guy, I guarantee you would not throw him away because he is a bad speller. Good idea not to judge a book by its cover — that’s my philosophy anyway. I’ll take a guy that can’t spell if that’s all that’s wrong with him.
To Jim Kinghan: Your writing has improved with each posting. Your evaluation grade has come up from “F” to a “C.” Keep on writing — soon you will earn an A+ in your spelling class. I’m sure you read my previous note so you know I am teasing. I suppose everyone has their own pet peeves; but keep your sense of “humour”and everything will be all right.
THANK YOU KAREN You have hit the nail on the head. I am so glad you have got on board here, what you have sais has backed me up very well indeed. Thank you so much, and if you ever come to N. Ireland I would love to invite you to have dinner with me.
As a matter of fact I have deleted my pages from internet dating, due to the lack of intrest shown…
Thanks again to you Karen XXXXXXXXXX Jim Kinghan N.Ireland. UK.
Jim,
As I’ve said before, I do suggest that you find other means of dating besides on the internet because of the spelling issue, since people have to read what you write and it has to make sense to them. In your case, meeting in person is probably a better way to go, where women can see you and hear you, and you don’t have to worry about making sense via writing. Good luck.
There are many ways of meeting people. If one chooses to do it via the internet, then writing goes with that territory. And, whatever communication method you choose should be the one in which you communicate best. If writing is not your thing and you don’t want to use a spell-checker, then just don’t use internet dating! That is all I’ve said. We all come at anything from our own vantage points, desiring certain things.
Karen, your friend, I’m sure, is a wonderful guy. If I met him at a party and he was single, you’re right, I might find him wonderful, but he might not be a match for me. We all have our particular interests. I am a detail person who also happens to be creative. So, in an overall perspective, both are important to me. Music and Theater are particularly important to me. If I meet a wonderful guy, online or in person, music and theater need to be important to that guy. If they’re not, it won’t work. A few years ago, I dated a very wealthy guy. He was nice, but we had absolutely nothing in common, nothing to talk about. He didn’t even hear music when it was playing, and I am also a musician. He offered me a sound-proof room to practice in. Just the suggestion of that felt like a padded cell to me. He was good at what he did, but he was not a match for me. If I’d been a money-grabber, I suppose I would have forced myself to go with him. But, I’m not. I’m honest, and I know what makes me happy. We should all know what makes us happy and seek people who feel the same way.
What’s wonderful is that there are so many people with so many different interests and passions. And, my hope is that there is someone out there for all of us.
Sondra
Hi, you raise great issues. My experience is different, so I am curious to see your reply. I am Dr. Appreciation professionally and love to appreciate men. I believe in men and tolerate no male-bashing in my presence. I love cleanly and well. I believe in building a love over time. If a man is relatively my equal and healthy, I am open dating friends first. You would think this would work out great, yes? No. My positivity (which is real, deep, and open after 30yrs. of personal clearing) usually taps into a man’s unresolved issues, fear of intimacy, fear of loss of control, which he then acts out on me, assuming he has the right to use some form of negative or authoritarian power, passive or aggressive. Ouch! I do not do this. My male friends are awed to see me go through difficulties with zero acting out. I have my feelings directly and take responsibility for every word I speak. This is why my trademark is ‘What You Say Is What You Get(R)”. This is much easier, truly! My spiritual belief is that the energy you put out there comes back, so I want mine to be positive!!
Since my lifework for 30 years is all about life-transforming positive collaborative communication and leadership, which I love and live, you can imagine my upset when he turns negative because he has not done his inner healing work. I am not a therapist and want no free acting out clients in my house. It hurts my body and my spirit. Even my clients in business do not act out like this! I need a man who can carry his own emotional/verbal and spiritual water.
Younger men are more naturally collaborative and not prone to negative drama but I am past child-bearing so that is less probable, I do business with them and swing dance with them. Great fun. But very lonely not to have a real eyeball-to-eyeball gentleman in my life.
In my latest book I talk about the Power Shift from Old to New Power, authoritarian to collaborative, as the major issue facing leaders and our economy, but surprisingly a number of over-50 women bought this book because they were faced with Old Power men at home. I didn’t think of this when writing the book but the more I think about it the more it makes sense when you look at the reasons women are leaving men. These women opened my eyes about the reason I have had issues with negative men, and wonder of those women who rejected your cient picked up on his power and control issues? Or other issues?
My swing dance world is a great indicator. Men my age are stiff, they hang on tight, they lead me on the spine (dangerous) or kidney (painful) they control me in a really small space, they don’t let me move, they have no fluidity of movement, they don’t dance the music, they don’t get good training. Boring, disappointing, constricting. Younger men move out, use the floor, lead great moves, pick up on what I am doing and play with it, as I do with them, try new things, get training, dance the music, and we can play and have fun. Sometimes we spoof the lyrics with our dance moves and crack up laughing. Life is to be enjoyed.
Control is an illusion. I just want a positive team-mate and partner. Independence I have had for a long time. It doesn’t pass the so what test.
Thanks for raising this issue and for listening.
Linne/Dr. Linne
I would like to know is your web site free or how do you work. I can’t seem to meet anyone. I am 59 and would pay for someone to set me up with different people.
Jim,
I only date younger men. I’m into weight lifting and belly dancing. I like new music of all kinds and have a great deal of energy and am not looking at retiring but instead, I am starting a new career. I date younger men because they are on the same level. They are still vibrant and fulll of life. They like to try new things and I enjoy thier culture. I’ve tried dating men my own age but the problems that I have found are from old paradigms from our generation. The woman is supposed to cook, the woman is the weaker sex, the woman is supposed to do the dishes, the woman is not supposed to make more money and so on….I am very feminine, look younger and I’m very attractive. I do not judge others by thier appearance but instead by thier beliefs, thier dreams and thier ambitions. By the time most men are my age, they seem to have lost most of thier ambition and drive. Many speak of old difficulties in relationships and hard blows that they have had in thier lives, as if I have had none. Many do not want to hear what I know or who I truly am and many do not consider me to be thier equal intellectually or in any other way. So this why I date younger men and I’m hoping that one day I might find one to fall in love with and enjoy a long term relationship with, but as it is now, I can choose to be a shadow behind someone who is waiting for retirement or someone that wants to go out on the town, dance and sing, ski down a hill and catch the biggest fish ever. I prefer the latter.
Terri,
I have experienced some of what you have, also, with men my age. Many are slowing down, stuck in their ways (and belligerent about it), and quite frankly, boring. There some, though, who do keep up. I also prefer younger men for that reason, but not too much younger. I’ve had really young ones want to go out, but that just feels weird to me. So, I try to find the happy medium. I agree that many seem to hang onto their old hurts. And, I have to say that many have turned into great fodder for storytelling. The guy whose wife stabbed him in the back (literally), the guy who knows he needs to work to pay bills but who is not motivated to even look, the men who seem to appreciate their motorcycles as a symbol of lost youth (and pay more attention to the cycle than to the woman), the men who just have no interest in sex anymore, the many with severe health problems who just seem to be looking for a woman to take care of them. I’m not a nurse, and I’m not a therapist. I also still want a healthy, passionate sex life!
But, I agree, ultimately, it’s not chronological age, it’s energy and attitude that makes the difference. There are younger ones who have given up on life, and older men with vitality, too. I am interested in those with life in them.
Sondra
I think at this age you are capable of a deeper relationship… someone who’s able to relate honestly and not playing games.
I am 60 yrs old lke to spend rest life witth a female life partner, I amdevotee of LORD KRISHNA & also Life Member of ISKCON. IAM INDIAN BENGALI
I have been dating a lovely lady for over 6 months and we have had some wonderful times together. I give her plenty of space by not emailing or calling all the time like some men would. I romance her the best way that I know of. But for the past 2 weeks it seems she has withdrawn a bit, because now we only see each other once a week and we talk on the phone about 3 times a week. When we are together we have a great time. But, with what’s been happening recently, I am at a complete loss as to what is going on. I have only asked her one time if everything is ok and she said yes. I will not ask her again, that’s just who I am. I don’t believe in hounding someone. I don’t know what is going on, but if there’s anyone that can offer some clear and concise insight, I would greatly appreciate it. Early on, in the relationship, I told her that if she ever wanted to break it off, just tell me and all I will do is delete her from my email and cell phone. On the other hand, and I think most women will agree, we men do tend to read too much into something.
Hi Jerry
I can tell from your letter that you’re a nice guy and trying to respect your friend by giving her space. Your openness about how you’re willing to ask her how she is feeling regarding your relationship shows you’re trying to stay on top of things; again admirable. However, you seems to be quite convinced that something is amiss but you are unwilling to address this with her after your initial talk. Relationships are about risk Jerry, and while it is great you’re not harping on how things are, it is still important to talk about what is bothering you and resolve it. This requires putting yourself first because honestly if you do not value your feelings enough now, there is no hope of a healthy relationship for you and her in the future. Your comments made me think you would accept a “compromised” relationship as long as you have something or someone. Please remember you’re move valuable than that. Find someone that really cares about you who wants to spend more time with you. Remember, you’re with yourself 24/7 so make sure you are your own best friend because life it too short to compromise yourself.
Libby
Jerry, Your question is the question of the ages…I have met both men and women who will not tell you the truth about what they are feeling, which I call being passive-aggressive. They expect you to just “know” how they feel, to read their minds.
This may or may not be what’s going on with your girlfriend. But, if you feel her pulling away, and you see evidence based on the frequency of your contact, then your feelings are probably right, and she’s perhaps afraid to tell you. OR, she has something going on at work and is just busy.
I agree with Libby that hanging back and not digging a little bit will not get you what you want, if what you want is this woman. What you told her 6 months ago once, that you’d just delete her email if she wanted to break it off, is probably not top of mind for her now. Best to look at her with concern (yes, in person), and ask again if everything is all right. But, this time, point out that you’re feeling some distance recently, and that’s why you’re asking. With context and your genuine interest, even if she says everything is all right again, you can read the body language. If she continues to pull away and refuses to engage with you about it, I agree with Libby, go find someone who is emotionally available to you, otherwise you’ll be guessing about this woman forever…and that’s not a secure place for anyone to be.
Sondra
PS Women also read too much into everything! Have you seen the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You?” The woman protagonist in that movie is the same way, probably a lot worse than you!
Sondra
I would like to meet some one that loving caring,some one that love kids,some one with understanding,someonethat love to smile.
im a malaysian woman , a single woman need a man age 55yrs , wht true love n caring n be wth me forever. my fb cn show more details. a english man also ok bt if he his a divorce. a true partner in life.
I found your article today and I laughed! Yes I want a relationship, but let me tell you what I see. The gentleman you spoke with is imagining the women’s reason she doesn’t want a second date. The women on the other hand probably never said that — and THAT is the point!! It’s all in his imagining. To imagine who someone is isn’t “relating. It’s running a private solo script. “Relating” requires two individuals. It doesn’t occur between a person and their own imagination. I’m looking for someone who desires the joy of actually RELATING. Women can sense, and men too I think, when someone relates more to their imagination than to an individual. The funny thing is, it’s right there in the language! He should only work on himself if we wants to, but I don’t think *he* wants a relat-ionship. It sounds like he really just wants someone to animate a role in their private inner movie.
*…animate a role in HIS private inner movie.
being widowed have come to my own conclusion…..a desent clean hard worker can not get time of day….most women still think they did not get any older but they want a man there age who looks 20
Mitch,
I’m sad for your loss and your obvious bad experiences in the dating world. It’s tough for most of us, no matter how we look. I’ve been told I’m beautiful, but I haven’t had a serious relationship in years. Yes, I’m picky, but it’s not all about looks. It’s about attitude. If either a man or a woman goes into this dating world looking for someone to take care of them, complete them, etc. they will be disappointed. We each have to go into the dating world as complete beings, happy with ourselves, and looking for more. If you are out there, having fun in your life, women will find you.
Example – I was at a Halloween party last night. I’ve been very stressed. That comes across, energetically, whether you are aware of it or not. Though I danced a good bit, my friend, who actually just lost her job, but is relieved and relaxed, having fun – she was getting SO much attention. Hugs, kisses, touch, even she was amazed. She is older than me, in her 60′s. I hate to admit it, but the difference was our attitudes. She was looking for fun. I was tired. When I finally started having some fun, men came to me. It’s funny how that works.
One more thing. It is much more prevalent to find older men with young eye candy on their arms than the other way around…
Boomers, especially, want to remain young as long as possible, and having a younger significant other gives the illusion.
just read all the answers and am happy to find people i can talk to and relate to i am over 55 and have been a widow for the last 11 years been looking for a website i could find people conversing about problems in relationships. I haven’t had the opportunity to find a website like this and am hopeing I can join in it would certainly make my day a lot fuller and maybe help me overcome some of the lonllness I have been trying to cope with. I don’t want to sound needy I am living with my son who has 3 young boys which I take care while he is at work but need more. I am living in Southern New Jersey and hope I hear from someone in this area but if not I would just love to have someone to talk to. If any spelling or punctiation is incorrect I truly am sorry this new to me and I’m really trying.Thanks for any feedback I really will appreciate it Carol
Carol,
This isn’t really a forum. The woman whose website this is, is a matchmaker in the Denver area. You can see from the dates that the comments are fairly far apart.
I know that I don’t have time to treat this as a forum, and I’m certainly not the moderator. If Sheryl wants to make this into a bigger standalone deal, I’m sure she can, but I doubt that was her intent. This started out as a comment board about a particular situation and client of hers.
I personally have a dating blog, but I haven’t been very good at keeping it up, due to the intensity and time commitment of my day job and other activities! I’m the opposite of you, I have too much on my plate! If you are interested in my blog, please email me offline and I will send you the address.
By the way, I am originally from NW New Jersey, but it has been many many years since I lived there. I was in Cape May last year for a few days before my high school reunion, and it was wonderful. I do sometimes miss having the shore nearby. But, I love the mountains of Colorado.
All the best with your situation. It almost sounds as though you have given your whole life to your family. I hope you can take some of that back and begin to have a life of your own. You already raised a family. To also raise your son’s family sounds quite lonely. I know I’d feel trapped by that. You deserve your own life, friends, job, etc. Were you a housewife when you were married, or did you have a career? Even if you could get out and do some volunteer work, I’m guessing that would help you to feel more of your own personal power, and you might meet other people that way, too.
Sondra
i am looking for a woman over 55 or older.
Hi Carol from South Jersey.
Being committing to taking care of the kids for your son is truly admirable, but like Sondra says, you need some”me” time. You’re probably pretty tired at the end of the day and don’t really feel like going out most of the time.
I’m in the South Jersey area as well so maybe we could get a cup of coffee or a beer sometime with no expectations and maybe give each other a clue as to what women and men want and need at this stage. I’m just 55 and still have good enough eye sight to drive after dark.
I know it’s been a while since the last post so I’m hoping people still read.
SAM
many women nowadays are not looking to meet men, and have a relationship like they once did. there are many of us very serious STRAIGHT MEN that would want to have that. i am in my late fifties, and for me meeting a good woman is very difficult for me again. i had been married at one time, and i was a very caring and loving husband that never cheated on her. but she cheated on me, and this really upset me a lot thinking that i was going to spend the rest of my life with her and have a family. i never mistreated her in any way, and now being single and alone really hurts. i hate going out as it is, and trying to meet another woman again is like looking for a needle in a haystack. i would have never thought that it would be so very difficult for me, but it is. i just have VERY BAD LUCK, and i seem to meet all the WRONG ONES. i feel like GOD is punishing me, and i don’t even know why. the men and women that are out there that were VERY LUCKY to have connected with one another and have a family, should go to CHURCH to pray and thank GOD for having each other. it is many men like us that would have wanted the same thing. now i just go out every single night just not to be home by myself, since i have know one to stay home too. i will just go out and hope that i will be at the RIGHT PLACE at the RIGHT TIME to meet a GOOD WOMAN for me this time around.
Why not be honest? It helps men a n d women understanding each other better, and it helps men to avoid sadness about crushed hopes after meeting women who just dropped them.
A recent study at the University of Chicago found that about 11% of postmenopausal women – over ~55 – are interested in men. The rest is basically done with them. Women over 55 are interested in
1. their grandchildren, particularly female grandchildren. (VERY important!)
2. their children, particularly female children.
3. an occasional compliment from a man regarding their youthful looks.
4. maybe a good looking and well dressed man who will take them out on a FEW dates, do repairs and garden work in their home (bring your toolbox).
5. maybe a good looking and well dressed man who will take them shopping, run their errands for them, like getting their prescription drugs from the pharmacy, etc.
What the overwhelming number of women over 55 do NOT want and do not even want to THINK about is exactly what men want: Intimacy and sex. Only in very rare cases, they might reluctantly cooperate temporarily, just to make sure that the man will come back . A typical statement is: “At my age, I don’t have to do this anymore”.
If a man wants to spend his time and resources looking for one of the very rare women who are interested in a great relationship … good luck. But he will save himself a lot of trouble and heartache, if he understands that family and grandchildren are the center of the universe for women over 55 … and men are definitely not.
Arnold, I have been deciding whether this even merits a response. First of all, a quick search on the internet shows no such study at the University of Chicago, so if you’re going to quote a study, please give complete details so that others can validate your claims. If you got this from a chain email, chances are, it’s made up. Most mass emails are false.
I know a few women who have no interest in men, but frankly, none of them ever married or had children, and the main reason they gave up was that they couldn’t find men who were compatible. I’ve also met many women who have told me that most men they’ve been with were only interested in their own pleasure, and not the woman’s. I guess I’ve been mostly lucky. I haven’t been with a lot of men, but most were caring lovers. If you go through life meeting men who are not interested in the woman’s pleasure, after a while, you give up. Perhaps grandkids are a distraction from the real problem.
The only women I know who care more about their grandkids than men are those who never liked sex, were abused, or gave up trying to get their man to pleasure them. I know several grandmothers who are also very sexual with their mates (yes, women talk about such things).
Don’t blame the women or some phantom study. Most women over 55 I know are vital and sexual (including me). Most women don’t lose that loving feeling after 55. Just read some of Dr. Christiane Northrup’s materials to learn that.
I don’t know where you are, but in Denver, there is a former nurse who leads a Meet Up singles group. She teaches an “intimacy college” once or twice a year. This class teaches about how to pleaure a woman (or if a woman, to pleasure herself, and to learn more about sexuality). Invariably, plenty of women sign up for her class, but she struggles to get enough men to hold a men’s class. Lots of men attend her Meet Ups to meet women, but few sign up for her class. You would think that if men are truly interested in a fulfilling relationship, that they would flock to this class to learn how to be better lovers. Instead, apparently, the men think they already know it all.
Too bad you’ve had bad luck meeting women who are sensual and sexual. We’re out here, and it’s not just 11% of us. Don’t generalize. If you expect to find women who don’t care about men, that’s what you’ll find.
most of them nowadays would not, and there are many of us very serious men that would want a relationship again especially after a divorce.
I don’t know what you’re referring to. Please be more specific. I am interested in relationship, but I haven’t found a compatible man. It can’t just be that you want a relationship. There has to be compatibility, as well – liking to do the same things, similar values. I’ve met men who are my complete opposite, and there would be nothing we could even do together, so that wouldn’t work. Still looking, though. Any good men on here from Denver who like to go to the theater, concerts, the art museum? I’m not a sports girl.
to Sandra, it is very true nowadays that most of the women that are 55 and over don’t want a relationship anymore. i am 58, and finding it very difficult meeting a good woman to settle down with again. when i go out, i seem to meet the very mean women with an attitude problem which makes it worse. there are just too many women that play very hard too get, and i am a very serious down to earth man that is not into that. many men are age certainly would like to have a good woman to share a life with, and why would we want to be alone anyway? not me, that is for sure. women are the much stronger sex when it comes to being alone, and us men are not as you can see. my aunt and uncle are starting their 65th year together, and that just shows you how much different the women were back then when they were very committed to their men and accepted them for who they really were. i hate being alone like i just mentioned, and i will go out every single night not to be home by myself since i have no one to be home with. it was really meant to be for my aunt and uncle when they met in school, and even most of the men back then were very committed to their women too. that is why it is very hard for us men that want to really meet a good woman again, but it is the women that have certainly changed over the years that made it much more difficult for us. do you really expect us men to blame ourselves?, i would say not. i wish that i had been born much sooner, then i would have avoided this mess myself. i had been married myself at one time before my wife of 15 years cheated on me, and i was a very loving and caring husband that was very much committed to her too. i always wanted to have a family, just like so many very fortunate men and women have now. it seems that God forgot about us, and i am certainly no different than the ones that have it today. now i just go out and hope for the best.
If you’re going out with that attitude, you won’t meet anyone. There are many women wanting relationships. But if you’re looking for someone to take care of you, neither men nor women want that. You need to be whole on your own, not looking for someone to ‘complete’ you. No one is attracted to a needy person.
My parents have been married for 65 years. But my Mom’s brother has been married 5 times. It’s not just a generation thing. My mom didn’t work outside the home. Today, we all have to. My ex-husband wasn’t terribly responsible and didn’t want kids, but we were married 22 years. We all have different situations. But if you go out and complain to your date, it will never end well.
Fortunately, I can say that I disagree with the guy who writes under the headline “The Truth”: Women are NOT the stronger sex when it comes to “needing a relationship” or not. Just think about it: As a man, I am physically and mentally far stronger than most women. I can show up alone anywhere I want to, while many women feel not secure when they are alone. When I go to a party and leave after midnight … no problem. For most men … unless they live an unhealthy lifestyle … almost a n y situation in life, even an emergency, is manageable. When it comes to dealing with health issues, with computers, with government bureaucracies, with household repairs, with money issues … women usually do not get very far without help … particularly the over 55 crowd. – As loud and crazy as the world is today … as an average guy, I can deal with it. For women, things look much more complicated. Also, during their entire life, they have concentrated on their looks. As they get older, they are not looking as attractive as they used to look anymore. How can anyone focus on as asset that is going away over time? One of the worst results is, with women, that their lack of self confidence often leads to less and less interest in intimacy … and I am not even talking about sex here! Good luck, attracting a man that way.
To us guys, women after 55 have very little to offer that we are interested in. While we can offer a lot that they desparately need. Additionally, men die earlier than women, Knowing that, as an older man, I can be totally relaxed and self-confident if I see a women I like, because many of them are competing for me … not the other way around.
So, workplace, Internet, restaurant, bar, whatever. If I really want to meet somebody … my chances will increase, the older I get. And if a 55 years old woman plays ” hard to get” … f i n e, lady! There are lots of others happy to go out with me! And I will be happy as well, because I have not the slightest reason to complain.
Arrogance is never attractive, even if you look like Superman, Armin (or whatever your name is).
Are there any other women on this site anymore? If no one else responds to the previous comment besides me, I’m done with this blog. It seems as though no one is really interested in growth here, anymore, just complaining and stereotypes.
Sorry to read your previous e-mail, Sondra. Newspapers, magazines, radio and television programs are full of stories about the new superior intelligence of women, how well they perform in schools, in the academic world, in medicine, in business, in finances, in partnerships and almost in every other area, in comparison to men.
If this is true – and not just chivalry and “political correctness” by the authors … great! Because it means that they can be self confident and relaxed and take their time when in comes to dating … maybe even live alone for the rest of their lives … which seems to remain a very acceptable solution for both sexes in later years anyway and helps avoid the tremendous heartache and frustration that comes with separation and divorce.
I hope you can see a difference between arrogance and self confidence, Sondra. I have never been arrogant towards women, and I have many female as well as male friends, many of whom I have known for decades. And I hope you are not going to leave this forum just because of my input. I do not see myself as a “Superman” – just an average guy. All I wanted to do is make older male readers aware of the fact that they should relax and not be sad or depressed when they find out that dating is not as easy as it used to be decades ago.
One more thing, Sondra: In a previous input in this blog, you wrote:
“There are many women wanting relationships. But if you’re looking for someone to take care of you, neither men nor women want that. You need to be whole on your own, not looking for someone to ‘complete’ you. No one is attracted to a needy person. … If you go out and complain to your date, it will never end well.”
I couldn’t agree with you more. I have never complained to a date, because this is, of course, not what a woman wants to hear. I am an agressive man when it comes to satisfy her needs and keep her healthy and happy, and I do everything I can to make her feel the most desired and appreciated woman in the world who cannot wait to see me again.
I’m 63 and not rich. I’m looking for a free site to meet women. Why should I have to pay to meet woman my age. Maybe I should start a free dating site where your not always sticking your hand in your pocket to pay. I’ve tried some of those pay sites and they suck. I’m 5′ 7″ weight 213 brown/ gray hair/hairy chest/tan body. I live Florida and I’m retired.
Bruce, there is a definite money motive behind people who start those sites. I have tried cheap and free ones, but it was basically a waste of time. Usually, a 3 months membership in match.com is more than enough to find a match you like, and it will cost you under 60 bucks, which is worth the effort, I think.
You have to invest some effort in really, really good photos, because most women will go by that. You should also be honest about what’s important for you. At our age, not only looks, but also health is important … you don’t want to end up as a male nurse to take care of a woman who has major health problems as a result of an unhealthy lifestyle. And this goes the other way, too. Even a professional registered nurse will not want to nurse her boyfriend/hubby … she will have other ideas.
For example, I eat fresh garlic and other healthy foods daily. Most women hate garlic, so it is good to limit my search to female garlic lovers, so that she will not be offended.
Frankly, it is amazing how many great women are out there. Most of us have no idea! But there are also women who just copy pictures of great looking women from the Internet and pretend that this is what they look like. There are even men acting like women with stolen pictures, trying to extract money from guys. The online dating scene is a jungle. But it you’re careful, you will meet a great woman in match.com. I found one, almost 2 years ago, and while our pretty stormy relationship didn’t last long, we are still friends, exchanging e-mails. It was definitely worth the 60 bucks or so.
My last comment here, because I don’t see any other women responding anymore, and I’m tired of defending women to you all. Bruce, all internet dating is roulette. I think the best free site is OKCupid.com. My sister told me about it, and I believe that, for the most part, it’s every bit as good as match.com. You have to answer questions, just don’t answer the ones you think are stupid (there are a lot of those) or that you simply don’t want to. But, the site allows you to meet compatible people. You can learn a lot before you ever communicate, to make sure there is commonality. but, don’t just respond to pictures. That’s what most men seem to do. I know you guys are visual, but that’s what often gets you in trouble, too. I happen to be good-looking, so I get a lot of emails. But most have little in common with me because they haven’t read my profile or answers to the questions. I’m off to a date now, as a matter of fact. So, good luck to you all. But, Armin, seriously, read what you’ve written. There is a huge difference between confidence and arrogance. Oh, and ignorance. If you truly believe women to be helpless, there are plenty of women out there just waiting to bilk you of your money for letting you think that. However, many of us, just like men, are capable. One reason I got divorced was my ex-husband’s arrogance. I began to believe him over time. When we split, it was a friend who pointed out to me that it wasn’t I who was incapable, it was him, covering up his own insecurities. That comment, by the way, came from a male friend. Not other women.
So, good luck and goodbye to this blog.