Do Women Over 55 Really Want a Relationship?
Wednesday, June 17th, 2009I was recently talking with one of my clients about some of the women we’ve introduced him to. These women have been great matches; he’s liked several of them and has wanted to see them again. Unfortunately, they haven’t had an interest in seeing him again. I asked him why he thought this was, what was the common denominator in all of these dates? His answer? They are all 55 or older.
Why Doesn’t She Want to See Him Again?
He feels that women over 55 want to have that love at first site feeling again. That experience of being swept off their feet, taken out, entertained, but they don’t really want a relationship. Therefore, if they don’t get that flutter in their stomach from him, they have no interest in pursuing a relationship.
The Common Denominator
What might be apparent to everyone reading this is the other common denominator in this equation, him. I tried to steer the conversation in this direction, attempting to get at what could potentially be standing in his way – himself. What might he be doing or not doing on these dates that could be causing these women not to want to see him again?
Ego or Accurate?
He insists it’s the women, so I brought it up with some of my other clients in his age group. Some of the men agreed whole heartedly, saying that women over 55 are too set in their ways, they’ve forgotten how to appreciate a man, they don’t say thank you, and they take the men for granted. However, several of my clients also disagreed and said that while it never feels good to be rejected, you need to put your ego aside and figure out what you might be doing that is keeping you from getting a second or even third date.
What do you think? I’d love to hear from the ladies 55+, do you truly want a relationship? or just a companion to take you to dinner on occasion? Do you prefer to spend your quality time with friends and family? Sound out and let us know your thoughts!
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Tags: 50+ single, age, age group, common denominator, companion, Dating, dating over 50, Love, match, men, relationship, serious, single, women
I’m 58 and I want a relationship. My children are independent adults and I am free to pour myself into a new relationship and lots of activities which are more fun to share with someone that you care about. In addition, most of my friends are married.
This might be really hard for many men to hear, but many men I’ve met since my divorce are still living in the past and haven’t worked through the reasons they ended up divorced. Anger and bitterness are strong emotions and from what I’ve seen, many men, (not all) are still dealing with the past ( as they say many women are). Before I started dating again, I waited for 3 years after my 23 year marriage so that I could put the past in it’s place and move forward. I’ve been divorced 10 years and I still haven’t found the type of man I feel is emotionally available to me.
Dating has changed so much and so many people are willing to put their morals and integrity on the line for so little in return. I would love to find a great guy, someone I have true feelings and intimacy with. It takes time to find that sort of person and too many men and women are in a rush and don’t want to even make the commitment to even learning how to be a friend first.
Oh well… that’s my comment from a 50 something woman…
I’m in agreement with Poppy and Antoinette. I do want a relationship. It took me 2 years after my divorce to even start dating again. I wanted to understand my own role in what happened, and to emotionally move on. I think that’s important to do, and not everyone does it. They just try to jump right back in, and they make the same mistakes over and over again.
Sheryl’s client telling her that women over-romanticize and want to be swept off their feet – well, honestly, I’ve met many men in the past few years who, if they don’t get “chemistry” on the first date, don’t give women another chance. They seem to be in a fantasy-land of how a woman “should” act towards them – perhaps they want 100% of my focus and don’t want to “share” me with my friends, my work, or my other interests. That’s just not realistic. We’ve been living life, after divorce, and, if we’re vital humans, we have multiple interests and activities that we enjoy. That’s healthy!
Over time and as a relationship grows, certainly more of my time would be spent with my man. I’m still hopeful that a man will be out there who appreciates me for who I am and who I will appreciate for who he is. Other interests are enriching to a relationship. When we stop being interested in life and what’s available to do in life, we stop living. And, we stop laughing.
I’ve been rejected after first dates, and I’ve rejected after first dates. It goes both ways. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve met many men who clearly don’t want a relationship. They’re afraid or they don’t want to invest the time and energy. But, I’m still hopeful. I want a vital, romantic, sexual relationship with a man who has varied interests.
If your client keeps getting rejected on first dates, perhaps there is something he is doing or saying that turns women off. Have you asked the women he’s gone out with why they didn’t want to go out with him again, Sheryl? If he’s over 55 himself, perhaps he has an outmoded idea of how relationships should work. Perhaps he talks too much about himself. Perhaps he eats with his mouth open! Maybe he needs a “fly on the wall” to watch what he does! But, if this happens multiple times in the same way, I’m guessing it’s something he’s doing or saying, not the other way around…
I am over 55 and very young looking yes due to enhancing procedures.
I am heterosexul but I am not in men with wrinkles. I am very vain about myself and it is just a turn off to look at older men. So I guess maybe I could be attracted to a younger man but I just do not want to try to relate to men anymore. So yes some women over 55 do not want to have a relationship with men over 40.
I’m over 55 and female. Most people are having initial contact via the the internet, become intimate via the internet and build up expectations and fantasies before they meet in person. It sets people up for unrealistic expectations. When they do meet, it is a disappointment to one or both. Why is it about relationships instead of dating? What happened to dating? Men and women expect too much, too soon. What is wrong with a nice hike or coffee and conversation?
I don’t know if I have chemistry with someone I don’t even know.
If you don’t want to be judged, don’t judge others. Enjoy the moment and each others company.
I am 59 and I can honestly say that I DO want a relationship. I have been looking now for 12 years and have had three short term relationships. I have found that the internet makes it so easy to move on instead of working through the issues that might arise. Many are still looking for, and dreaming of that near perfect relationship, and as soon as anything seems the least bit difficult to deal with, they (and I have been guilty of this too) end it and move on. I think that most of us who want relationships but don’t have them hold unrealistic goals.
My alone time is so important to me now, I don’t want anyone asking me where I am and what I am doing. I have raised 4 children, I have a career, own a condo, no debts, plenty to keep me busy. A man equally as centered would be welcome into my life – but so many men drink too much, owe too much or miss their ex wife too much.
After having spent a lot of time alone since my last relationship closed down, I desided to go on the net. And I have enrolled in a few sights, most of which only want your money. (surprise surprise ) I have send a good deal of messages to women looking for ,,,,,,,, Good man wanted,,,,,,, Honest reliable guy wanted,,,,,,,,, company sought,,,, knight in shining armour wanted,,,,,,, and god knows how many other punch lines…
Now the thing is, I replied to loads of these damsels in distress, and guess what ??????????????????????????? SOD ALL REPLY thats right not a f*******g sossage from them……………. Confused dot com or what ???
What the hell are they up to ????? they advertise if you want to contact them you must not be looking to do druge look for sex not smoke not drink not look for other relationship !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO There is anyone listening ??????? How the hell can we do anything rite??????
If they dont answer our message, even with a simple ” NO THANKS”..
Then we would know where we stand, but they dont even have the manners to do that. I blame the sight,s for this, because they should have a system in place to prevent them opening another massage until they have delt with one at a time. ITS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE , is it.??.
Go on then broadcast my email, I dare you. Thanks Jim Kinghan.
Jim,
I respond to anyone who emails me, even if it is to say no thanks. The site I’m on now doesn’t allow you to email until you go through their process. I’ve noticed that not everyone understands the process. I don’t know what sites you’ve been on, but both Chemistry.com and eharmony.com require you to go through a process first before you can directly respond to anyone.
There is also the possibility that the women you wrote to are not paying members of the website. If you’re not a paying member, you can’t respond. I agree that the websites should not keep up profiles of people who are not paying members, it can be upsetting to those who are, and are waiting for responses.
You sound really angry and challenging in your post. I hope that’s not your tone when you email women. If that’s how you sound in your emails, I’m not surprised you don’t hear back. No one really wants to deal with someone who sends ‘yelling’ emails. I’ve had a few men argue politics with me on dating sites. Not appropriate, and not attractive to us female-types.
Also, you might invest in a spell checker. I’m sorry, but it does matter to me if someone knows the difference between ’site’ (as in website) and ’sight’ (as in to see). Or, the difference between ’send’ and ’sent.’ I also have no idea what you mean by SOD. If it’s profane, then it’s probably not appropriate to post.
I am a writer, in addition to many other things that I do, so for me, grammar and spelling are important. But, I would still have responded to you in some fashion if you’d written to me. I cannot speak for anyone else.
Good luck to you.
Well stated Sondra!!! I just cannot figure out why more men don’t pay a bit more attention to spelling and grammar. To me it’s like fingernails on a blackboard if they can’t use the right context of a word or don’t take the time to check on a spelling. I can’t help but to immediately judge that they are likely not my type, and I move on to write to guys who do pay attention to such things.
Online meeting and dating is an interesting experience to say the least. So many seem to be just “window shopping” and not wanting to buy, even when they find what they say they are looking for. It’s no wonder that so many people lose interest in online dating and give up on it.
I ask……… DO MEN OVER 55 REALLY WANT RELATIONSHIP? And do they view relationship differently than women over age 55?
Mary
Thank you Sondra and Mary, I take your point,s ref the spelling and the fingernails on the blackboard. Yes but we are not all perfect, and should allow for short comming,s here and there. Had I known you to be a writer, I would have made a better effort.
However I agree that my letter was of an angry tone, you did guess correct. You would be right to think as you did, of course i would never send such a letter to someone that I wished to make contact. The point in relation to members that dont reply, I agree with you that some cant send back a message , due to the unpaid situation. This is most unfair to those members as well as the writers of the messages.
With so many internet company,s all operating it is a mine field , not knowing which way to jump next, they should indeed remove unpaid member,s so that the rest of us can get a better picture, of who is serious and in so doing be happier to write a message, and be more likely to get a reply.
If the unpaid member,s were seperated from the paid, then that would again let us know where we stand. And this would not be hurtfull to anyone.
I dont see the point of anyone joining up, and not paying anything and expecting everything in return. Plenty of fish is a free sight, as it is stated so and messages can be exchanged without a penny. I dont know about other,s as they all seem to look for your money before you get through the door…..
Let there be change in 2010.. “How did I do this time ladie,s”???? Jim.
Jim,
I’ve been trying to decide whether to respond or not. I don’t want to be rude. Really. This is a forum, not a dating site, and since you’re asking for feedback, I’ll give it to you. I hope it’s OK if I’m honest and blunt.
If your last post was an attempt to improve your spelling and grammar, if you proof-read it and thought it was better, well then – the educational system failed you miserably. You don’t seem to know the difference between an apostrophe and a comma, nor do you seem to know when to use them. The word ’shortcomings’ is not spelled the way you did it (and this is easily checked on the web or if you open up Microsoft Word and write it on a blank page, if you don’t have a dictionary). ‘Companies’ is not the same as ‘company,s.’ If you wanted to make the word ‘company’ plural, you don’t add a comma. There are lots more issues in your post. If a person makes one or two errors in a post, I’ll figure it’s an oversight. But, if a person’s post is riddled with misspellings and poor grammar, I figure they either don’t care or weren’t properly educated. Either way, I’m with Mary, I’ll move on to someone who can spell and cares about it.
Jim, seriously. I may be a writer, but most people I know do care if their friends or loved ones can spell, and many people that I know are turned off by people who don’t take the time and energy to write properly, especially those over 55. Indeed, if you’re going to try and date on the internet, it becomes obvious all too quickly if you can’t spell. You will be rejected by more than those people who are writers if you don’t take the time or care to improve in that direction.
You might be better off to meet people live. That way, they’ll experience your sparkling personality first, and by the time you charm them, they may not care as much if you can’t spell. Join a singles Meet Up (www.meetup.com has lots of singles groups in the Denver area). And, the owner of this forum, Sheryl Williams, often posts upcoming events you can attend.
It’s true that sometimes opposites attract, but it is also true that like attracts like, so you generally find that college graduates hang together and high school grads hang together, if you catch my drift. I was just giving you feedback on perhaps why you weren’t getting responses. It’s your choice completely whether you choose to accept the input.
Good luck.
Sondra
A meetup for singles that you can join in Denver is http://www.meetup.com/singlesadventuresden/
Everyone wants a ready made partner and a perfect one at that. That is why the dating sites are so successful. It’s a catalog of dreams.
If the one you just met for coffee doesn’t have that “chemistry” then just keep meeting others for coffee. Isn’t it just a numbers game? This is what I hear ad nauseam.
Get real and get off the net. Meet people. Go to parties. Have parties. Go to hiking events. Go on adventures. Volunteer to help people. Enjoy life!
This does not guarantee a happy ending with a partner but it does guarantee that YOU will be fulfilled and happy either way.
Tricia
Singles Adventures
It’s nice to see such a great conversation going with good points from everyone. Just to stick up for Jim a bit and being the moderator of this blog, he is writing from the UK (at least his email is a UK email) so you may want to give him a break on some of the errors. I suspect there may be a mix up between comma’s and apostrophe’s and we know they spell some words differently in the UK than here (sence vs. sense, etc). I just love to see people communicating!
Sheryl, Ignite Matchmaking
P.S. – Thanks for the Meetup info Tricia, I’d love to find out more. Not sure they have meetup.com events in the UK!
Thank you Sheryl, I am in deed UK Northern Ireland to be exact. And we do spell several words different Eg; FONE in thu USA is my personal favorite, it in the UK is PHOHE. Thats a stupid way to spell it, I think so anyway.
There are many word’s and spelling’s that differ but mean the same thing. by the same token here is a classic.
When entering a hotel in Nashville TN. I spotted a notice on the door which read ” NO SOLICTING ” In the uk a lawyer is called a solicitor, so one of my friend’s that night ,who is a solicitor thought he was barred from the hotel, until I explained the difference.
Apart from all that, I never had much intrest in school and did not pay attention to how to spell correctly, or where the comma’s should or should not be. My idea is still this, if the reader of a badly written letter cant understand the meening of the writer, because of the spelling, well it’s a bit of hard luck they are having. (no disrespect intended or implied).
Thank you to you all for picking up on all these point’s and , I hope you enjoy the funny side of it all and have a good, laff or laugh, delete whichever does not apply.
kind regard’s to you all Jim Kinghan N.Ireland.
I may be very late in chiming in here; but I know a few bad spellers. I will write about one in particular … not your average Joe. He is a Yale graduate (with honors). He is a successful CEO — super intelligent, innovative, articulate, in perfect shape, great sense of humor, good looking, very sweet guy …… who cannot spell worth a lick. Even spellcheck does not catch all his errors. When he writes emails to his friends, he does not even bother with spellcheck. It is a standing endearing joke that he cannot spell but we have no trouble reading his stuff. We have told him considering the rich life he has lived, he should write a book, and not use spellcheck. what he means is clearly understood and his misspellings provide us with humor. Sometimes we cannot judge what is on the other side of a piece of writing wrought with spelling errors. Not everyone is a professional writer. This guy is married; but I guarantee he would be 90% of these critical women’s ideal man. If you went on a date with this guy, I guarantee you would not throw him away because he is a bad speller. Good idea not to judge a book by its cover — that’s my philosophy anyway. I’ll take a guy that can’t spell if that’s all that’s wrong with him.
To Jim Kinghan: Your writing has improved with each posting. Your evaluation grade has come up from “F” to a “C.” Keep on writing — soon you will earn an A+ in your spelling class. I’m sure you read my previous note so you know I am teasing. I suppose everyone has their own pet peeves; but keep your sense of “humour”and everything will be all right.
THANK YOU KAREN You have hit the nail on the head. I am so glad you have got on board here, what you have sais has backed me up very well indeed. Thank you so much, and if you ever come to N. Ireland I would love to invite you to have dinner with me.
As a matter of fact I have deleted my pages from internet dating, due to the lack of intrest shown…
Thanks again to you Karen XXXXXXXXXX Jim Kinghan N.Ireland. UK.
Jim,
As I’ve said before, I do suggest that you find other means of dating besides on the internet because of the spelling issue, since people have to read what you write and it has to make sense to them. In your case, meeting in person is probably a better way to go, where women can see you and hear you, and you don’t have to worry about making sense via writing. Good luck.
There are many ways of meeting people. If one chooses to do it via the internet, then writing goes with that territory. And, whatever communication method you choose should be the one in which you communicate best. If writing is not your thing and you don’t want to use a spell-checker, then just don’t use internet dating! That is all I’ve said. We all come at anything from our own vantage points, desiring certain things.
Karen, your friend, I’m sure, is a wonderful guy. If I met him at a party and he was single, you’re right, I might find him wonderful, but he might not be a match for me. We all have our particular interests. I am a detail person who also happens to be creative. So, in an overall perspective, both are important to me. Music and Theater are particularly important to me. If I meet a wonderful guy, online or in person, music and theater need to be important to that guy. If they’re not, it won’t work. A few years ago, I dated a very wealthy guy. He was nice, but we had absolutely nothing in common, nothing to talk about. He didn’t even hear music when it was playing, and I am also a musician. He offered me a sound-proof room to practice in. Just the suggestion of that felt like a padded cell to me. He was good at what he did, but he was not a match for me. If I’d been a money-grabber, I suppose I would have forced myself to go with him. But, I’m not. I’m honest, and I know what makes me happy. We should all know what makes us happy and seek people who feel the same way.
What’s wonderful is that there are so many people with so many different interests and passions. And, my hope is that there is someone out there for all of us.
Sondra
Hi, you raise great issues. My experience is different, so I am curious to see your reply. I am Dr. Appreciation professionally and love to appreciate men. I believe in men and tolerate no male-bashing in my presence. I love cleanly and well. I believe in building a love over time. If a man is relatively my equal and healthy, I am open dating friends first. You would think this would work out great, yes? No. My positivity (which is real, deep, and open after 30yrs. of personal clearing) usually taps into a man’s unresolved issues, fear of intimacy, fear of loss of control, which he then acts out on me, assuming he has the right to use some form of negative or authoritarian power, passive or aggressive. Ouch! I do not do this. My male friends are awed to see me go through difficulties with zero acting out. I have my feelings directly and take responsibility for every word I speak. This is why my trademark is ‘What You Say Is What You Get(R)”. This is much easier, truly! My spiritual belief is that the energy you put out there comes back, so I want mine to be positive!!
Since my lifework for 30 years is all about life-transforming positive collaborative communication and leadership, which I love and live, you can imagine my upset when he turns negative because he has not done his inner healing work. I am not a therapist and want no free acting out clients in my house. It hurts my body and my spirit. Even my clients in business do not act out like this! I need a man who can carry his own emotional/verbal and spiritual water.
Younger men are more naturally collaborative and not prone to negative drama but I am past child-bearing so that is less probable, I do business with them and swing dance with them. Great fun. But very lonely not to have a real eyeball-to-eyeball gentleman in my life.
In my latest book I talk about the Power Shift from Old to New Power, authoritarian to collaborative, as the major issue facing leaders and our economy, but surprisingly a number of over-50 women bought this book because they were faced with Old Power men at home. I didn’t think of this when writing the book but the more I think about it the more it makes sense when you look at the reasons women are leaving men. These women opened my eyes about the reason I have had issues with negative men, and wonder of those women who rejected your cient picked up on his power and control issues? Or other issues?
My swing dance world is a great indicator. Men my age are stiff, they hang on tight, they lead me on the spine (dangerous) or kidney (painful) they control me in a really small space, they don’t let me move, they have no fluidity of movement, they don’t dance the music, they don’t get good training. Boring, disappointing, constricting. Younger men move out, use the floor, lead great moves, pick up on what I am doing and play with it, as I do with them, try new things, get training, dance the music, and we can play and have fun. Sometimes we spoof the lyrics with our dance moves and crack up laughing. Life is to be enjoyed.
Control is an illusion. I just want a positive team-mate and partner. Independence I have had for a long time. It doesn’t pass the so what test.
Thanks for raising this issue and for listening.
Linne/Dr. Linne