Dating When You’re Not A Teenager Anymore
Sunday, March 15th, 2009Dating as you get older is sometimes pretty scary ground. For many, after years being married and perhaps living through a tough divorce, the idea of meeting someone again may seem awkward, uncertain, or at the very least – you may have been out of the dating scene for so long that you don’t even know what the rules are anymore! (And rule books seem scarce!)
And yet, here you are on your first date. Or at least the first date in years. Dating when you’re past the teenaged years is a bit different and there are some crucial things to know to help make the experience as positive as possible.
Whether you met Online or someone set you up, that first encounter can make or break your outcome in ways you may not have even considered. Just as first impressions are everything in a job interview, the first date can be instant success or immediate dismay – and much of it you can control with a few simple steps.
Who are you? Really?
Are you 45 and posting your photos on the Internet from when you were thirty-something? Back in the days when you didn’t worry about that touch of gray or those extra 20 pounds? Well, just how long do you think you can fool your date once you meet in person?
I was absolutely shocked when I met a guy for our first date after hooking up on the Net. His photos were incredible! He was fit and absolutely tall, dark, and handsome. Yet, as I walked through the nearly empty bar 3 times looking for him, wondering if he’d arrived yet or not, one thing had stood out from our phone conversation … he had said, “My hair is much longer now than in my pictures.”
No kidding. I finally walked up to the only man with long hair (a ponytail, actually) and asked him if he was John. He was. All extra 30 pounds and 20 years more than his photos led me to believe he was. I couldn’t believe this was even the same man.
Need I say more? If he couldn’t be honest with me about who he was, what else might yet be up his sleeve? I didn’t stick around to find out.
And gals, while your Glamour Shot may seem downright hot to you, most men I chatted with say they prefer “real” photos. They want to know what you’re going to look like even in the morning without your makeup. Most of us can look pretty hot with enough makeup and a stylist …but who are you really? And truthfully, most guys asked women to please cut back on the makeup … high maintenance women are a turn-off, they say.
And if you are 20 pounds overweight, then that’s who you are! Either do something about it or accept yourself as you are and remember that not all the guys out there are Mr. Universe either. We all fight aging and the weight game in our middle years. And everyone likes something different. So be who you are and post a recent photo of you with a big smile and having fun! Let your personality shine through! After all, your looks will continue to change over the years, but your personality is who you are forever.
Shut Up and Listen
Getting to know each other enough during the course of one simple date requires both parties to each take turns listening and speaking. Sometimes folks are so nervous that they either can’t seem to say two words, or more commonly, one person vomits information ad nauseum, driving the other one completely nuts.
Men, it seems, in the typical job interview, want to be sure they tell a potential employer absolutely everything about themselves, so that nothing is left out.
Women, on the other hand, have learned that to express their interest in men, they should keep asking men questions to show their attentiveness. The result is oftentimes a guy who talks forever, a woman who keeps giving him reason to, and then both parties end up lost at the end of the night as the guy knows almost nothing about the woman and the gal thinks all he wants to do is talk about himself!
What men might not know is the unwritten rule that women have about taking turns when they talk. One person goes first, talks a while, then turns to the other and asks a specific question to open the door for the second gal to talk. Then the first gal intently listens. It’s our unwritten rule and it is always confusing to us when men don’t demonstrate this common behavior.
Equal listening and talking are key to getting to know your date – at least enough to learn if you have anything in common. And gals, you may just have to jump in and direct the conversation your way enough that by the end of the night, the guy you’re with knows at least as much about you, as you do about him. Otherwise how else are you both going to know if you have enough in common to justify a second date?
And if you absolutely can’t get him to shut up and listen, then odds are that’s going to be a problem in the long-run. If that’s the case … Pass … there are more fish in the sea!
Sex Talk
I don’t care if they’re teasing, flirting, or just trying to break the ice, mentioning anything to do with sex on the first date is downright inappropriate if what you’re looking for is a deep, long-term relationship with a guy with solid substance. Now if all you’re looking for is a one night stand, then accepting this kind of treatment is just fine.
The real irony of it is that we women have been educated to believe that if we give men sex (as soon as possible), then we’ll hook ‘em right away. Unfortunately, the reality of it is that when men get sex easily and right away, they rarely value the woman who gives it for long. She just wasn’t that hard to win, so they seem to figure that she was pretty easy for other guys to catch too.
Men need to EARN the right to date you, so respect yourself enough to recognize when those red flags are a wavin’ and leave the first-date-sex-talkin’- jockeys to themselves. There are better men coming down the pike, but you have to know to be picky.
Most gals want their men to get to know them first before they feel comfortable opening the sex conversation up for discussion. They want to know that they are liked as a person before they want to get to get to know them intimately. And even if it’s just verbal banter, (”Listen, I’m not trying to get up your skirt – I just want to get to know you!”) sexual suggestions are definitely the wrong way to open up a relationship.
Gals – if that kind of conversation keeps you enthralled, then you’re only telling the guy that those are the games you play too. So be sure to recognize the big red flags guys are throwing out when they talk this way. If they aren’t respectful enough on date number one to treat you like a lady, they sure aren’t going to improve over time.
So take your time. Save the sex talk for later. Be a lady. And set your boundaries.
Make Dating Like Shopping
These are only a few steps to setting the stage for a great first date. Of course if you’re really turned on by tall, dark, and handsome and you end up with blonde, blue-eyed, and chatty … I can’t help you there, except to say that an open mind usually has more choices!
But always remember that dating is like shopping … you know what I mean here.
There is not just one perfect little black dress. There are short sleeved, sleeveless, strapless, and silky. We all have something in mind that works for us. But no one says you have to buy the first one that shows up on the rack!
Just as you guys probably don’t buy the very first hammer you find at Home Depot. They all have a price, a feel, a look … and thus you can relate to shopping for your gal as well.
So know what you want, then go shopping. Enjoy the journey. Try many on for size. Remember that one size doesn’t fit all. Most importantly, be yourself and know what you want.
There’s someone for everyone out there … You may just have to be patient and kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince.
This blog post is courtesy of Mary Jo Fey, RN, MSN, “The Voice of Dating, Mating, andRelating” who leads a dating Meetup group in Denver by the same name. She is also a columnist, speaker, screenwriter, and award-winning author of 4 relationship books, including: “Please Dear, Not Tonight: The Truth About Women and Sex,” “When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong,” and “The Seven Secrets of Love.” She can be reached through her website at www.mydateschool.com or byphone at 303-841-7691.
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Tags: Dating, dating advice, dating in Denver, dating when older, denver meetup, Denver single, mary jo fey, meetup, meetup.com, older single, single, singles advice
