Can Men Get Away with Looking Older?
Friday, March 7th, 2008Just yesterday I was talking with a guy friend of mine and we some how got on the topic of age and looks. We ended up discussing what he thinks is the disparity between how men are expected to look as they age and how women are expected to look. According to him, men get to keep it natural – turn gray gracefully, put on a little weight around the middle, lose a little hair and it’s just expected and ok. Men are considered wiser when they are gray where as women are just considered older. Is this fair? Why don’t men have to stay in shape and color their hair?
Isn’t it just a case of women having lower standards?
Seriously though, I believe that what you’re talking about is a case of self (and society)-imposed standards.
A woman who’s comfortable with herself is just as attractive as a man who’s comfortable with himself.
In my work as a psychotherapist I have studied the idea of what attracts people to each other and in many ways it comes down to biology. Whether we like this or not, it’s just the way it is. Men look for a woman who appears, at least, to be able to produce offspring. He is biologically programmed to do this – it’s not a conscious thing – it’s hard wired in him. He’s looking for a woman who looks fertile – she will have glowing skin, beautiful hair and an hourglass figure. This is why women are so focused on their hair, make-up and figure – in order to attract a man they have to look like they can produce children, whether they actually can or want to. She knows this instinctively.
Women, on the other hand are hard wired to look for a man who can provide for the children of this mating. So she looks for signs that he can do this – the Alpha male concept. A man with gray hair, bit of a paunch and a little swagger tells her he’s probably got the goods to provide. Her father, or her fantasy of a father looks like this.
And we can talk about this until the cows come home but it won’t change our biology. What I do think, however, is that our biology changes as we age and the desire for a women who looks 20 something becomes less paramount for many men as they go along and with all the changes that the women’s movement has broght about in the last 40 years, many women no longer “need” a man to provide for them and in some situations even their children but we are still hardwired in these ways.
So here is my advice for women, keep your figure as long as you can, it’s a healthier way to live anyway and you’ll feel better when you look good, color your hair too if that makes you feel attractive and don’t be offended when men look at younger women – they can’t help it – it’s part of their nature.
At the same time, men need not be offended by a woman who wants to know what he does for a living – it’s hard wired in her to look for an alpha male – she still wants to know you can take care of her and her children, even if she no longer has any or has chosen to not have children – these are unconscious drives.
For an in-depth look at these ideas I refer you to Helen Fisher’s Anatomy of Love – it’s a very interesting book and one I recommend to anyone who wants to understand the way the mating game really works.
Lorraine – thank you so much for your post and I think you are right on target! I also would highly recommend Dr. Fisher’s book it is a fascinating look at male and female interactions.
Lorraine. I would tend to agree with you in theory but I believe that age also would play a big part in this arena.I have noticed that many older woneb when younger have followed this hardwired mentality yet after a divorce or 2 and children they have realized that they need to support themselves and they see that sizing a man up for his potential and ability to provide didnt quite work out as figured so later in life they realize that they don’t need a man to support them but they would rather have a man who loves them for who they are and emotionaly can relate to them in the deepest sence of the word.They have been through alot in other words and have come almost “full circle” to the real base of relationships and that is love..respect and.communication and not so caring about financial or status concepts.
I would say a woman whi is in her mid 20- late 30′s is of a very different mindset then a woman of her 40′s-50′s who has been divorced and had children. That fairytale of the white picket fence and a 3 story 4000 sq foot house has possibly been attained and the “been there done that” mentality kicks in and they many times come to realize that those materialistic shallow “things” and attitudes really were no foundation for love or marriage or a relationship. The mirror has been shattered and the reality is there to redefine and a new game plan is needed.
I am always amused by people who date and meet when their 1st question is “what do you do?” .My 1st question is always “so tell me who are you really?” Defining onesself by “what they do” has always been a red flag to me in meeting others. In many other cultures I have studied and dated I see much more sence of this who are you really vs the what do you do concept.Buddhist cultures and even the catholic church i attend do reiterate this difference alot. My point is thAT what you do for a living may have a bearing on your life and your character(maybe) but in no way will it define who you really are as a person in the depths of your being.But in america so much is placed on ones job and status and even what car they drive that we are kept so busy “outside” of ourelves that we become lost in that world and many times relationships based on these factors burnout or cannot sustain when some of these factors outside of ourselves are in turmoil, such as forclosures or job loss or car reposessions, Our insides become soft and weaken when we pay so much attention to the distractions outside of ourselves and tend to make a life around them then pay attention and understand who we really are inside which in my view is far more vast and intricite then anything outside ourselves.
So yes, many things are hardwired into us even from tribal days geneticaly and they are unconscious realms we”instinctively” try to attain and seek. I am old school and very simple in my views…almost idealist and border unrealistic I have been told.lol….but I still feel that when everything around us or that has made up our reality is destroyed or torn down we still need to have that foundation within us that can never been taken from us and that is they real “treasure” WE CAN all atain and hold onto and it really is what defines us a who we really are! Being old schoolin many ways Iam always reminded of the classic wedding vows(which now a days people can rewrite to what they like)…but the words..in sickness and in health for richer or for poorer..till death do you part really are some very heavy terms to understand and really strengthen my explaination about knowing who you are really and those words of the vow are really suggesting that strip all away on the outside and you vow to accept and love eachother no mater whats you have lost..individually or collectively that who you really are(if you honestly know) will always be there for the other.
I kind of went off on a tangent and I am sorry but sometimes I get carried away with my thoughts.
Well said Alex, What so many people are missing in today’s world is a bit of common sence, as we get on with trying to have some kind of life quality, and deal with the everyday toils. We who have anything like a house car caravan or a good holiday, most likely got it because we worked to afford it.
we did not find the money growing on a tree somewhere, and I have had it said to me ” Its well for you driving that big fine car “. Yes this was from a smoker, and a lazy sod that could not spell the word WORK. He would smoke more in a year than runs my car.
Then some of the ladies seem to think we are machines that can go on for ever, and with some of their money spending habits !!!!!!! HELLO is there anybody there ??? They all want the big house, and the Wardrobe not to mention cars as well, and they want the best all the time, but who has to go out and earn it ?????… Is it any wonder we get old before our time, while they sit sipping coffee or having a hair style at £40 or £ 50 a time.
It is hard to keep on the rails here when I get started I could cause an accident, so best say no more, might hurt my self. It is time for the lot of us to wind down a bit and get practical, be thankfull for what we have and do not expect so much from other,s .. Think of those in the 3rd world that have to sleep in tents, and very little to eat or wear, they would be happy to swap with us any day. Look at the wrinkle,s they have.
ALWAYS WANT TO SEE REPLY …. Thanks Jim
At 57, I’ve grown to understand the primal need for men to find someone that can reproduce. Women looking in turn for that great provider for the children.
I for one, have dated many men my age and found them emotionally damaged and looking to relive their youth in absurd ways (motorcycles, playing the field and toupees).
I look for common background, compatibility and someone living in the present. Age is not a factor to me. However, I have found that younger men are more self-confident and do not have massive emotional injuries that prevent them from having an emotionally engaged relationship.
Being “old school” or talking about women sitting around and getting their hair done, is living in your past with their past relationship issues. Move thru that door into the present. It is much more attractive to find out who one is NOW.
Past is past. It’s done and over. The future holds no promise. Live and love in the present.
Tricia
Singles Adventures
i see your point.But maybe these younger guys arent damaged yet bec ause they havent gone thru as much as a 57 yr old person…I think many younger guys will find an older woman fun and interesting because likely the older woman wont put those same qualities on them that a younger woman will like making money and the whole provider thing..so a younger guy will find the older woman who supports herself refreshing and “free”…so for a while that might be good but eventually in many cases they guy will come to realize that she is 57 and it may matter as men too have internal clocks..and might want kids eventually…Reverse that and an older guy can still impregnate a younger woman so the provider thing will be more pronounced in that dynamic.