Can Men Get Away with Looking Older?
Friday, March 7th, 2008Just yesterday I was talking with a guy friend of mine and we some how got on the topic of age and looks. We ended up discussing what he thinks is the disparity between how men are expected to look as they age and how women are expected to look. According to him, men get to keep it natural - turn gray gracefully, put on a little weight around the middle, lose a little hair and it’s just expected and ok. Men are considered wiser when they are gray where as women are just considered older. Is this fair? Why don’t men have to stay in shape and color their hair?
Tags: aging, balding, gray hair, men, women
Isn’t it just a case of women having lower standards?
Seriously though, I believe that what you’re talking about is a case of self (and society)-imposed standards.
A woman who’s comfortable with herself is just as attractive as a man who’s comfortable with himself.
In my work as a psychotherapist I have studied the idea of what attracts people to each other and in many ways it comes down to biology. Whether we like this or not, it’s just the way it is. Men look for a woman who appears, at least, to be able to produce offspring. He is biologically programmed to do this - it’s not a conscious thing - it’s hard wired in him. He’s looking for a woman who looks fertile - she will have glowing skin, beautiful hair and an hourglass figure. This is why women are so focused on their hair, make-up and figure - in order to attract a man they have to look like they can produce children, whether they actually can or want to. She knows this instinctively.
Women, on the other hand are hard wired to look for a man who can provide for the children of this mating. So she looks for signs that he can do this - the Alpha male concept. A man with gray hair, bit of a paunch and a little swagger tells her he’s probably got the goods to provide. Her father, or her fantasy of a father looks like this.
And we can talk about this until the cows come home but it won’t change our biology. What I do think, however, is that our biology changes as we age and the desire for a women who looks 20 something becomes less paramount for many men as they go along and with all the changes that the women’s movement has broght about in the last 40 years, many women no longer “need” a man to provide for them and in some situations even their children but we are still hardwired in these ways.
So here is my advice for women, keep your figure as long as you can, it’s a healthier way to live anyway and you’ll feel better when you look good, color your hair too if that makes you feel attractive and don’t be offended when men look at younger women - they can’t help it - it’s part of their nature.
At the same time, men need not be offended by a woman who wants to know what he does for a living - it’s hard wired in her to look for an alpha male - she still wants to know you can take care of her and her children, even if she no longer has any or has chosen to not have children - these are unconscious drives.
For an in-depth look at these ideas I refer you to Helen Fisher’s Anatomy of Love - it’s a very interesting book and one I recommend to anyone who wants to understand the way the mating game really works.
Lorraine - thank you so much for your post and I think you are right on target! I also would highly recommend Dr. Fisher’s book it is a fascinating look at male and female interactions.