When I meet with a client I typically discuss with them the looks of the person they are seeking.  What are they attracted to?  Do they have a particular type?  I like to get an idea of what they will find attractive.  However, I am constantly amazed by people’s vision of their match in comparison to their vision of themselves.

Take a Look Around.

The next time you go out, look at the couples you see.  I mean really look at them!  How do they compare to each other?  In my experience, most couples are comprised of 2 people with a similar level of looks. Meaning on a scale of 1-10 both people are typically within a couple numbers of each other. He might be a 5 and she’s a 6 or 7 or maybe he’s an 8 and she’s a 6 or 7.  Rarely do you see a guy or a gal who is a 9 or 10 with someone who is a 2 or 3.

What’s Your Number?

This is really a loaded question isn’t it? None of us want to be considered too full of ourselves or conceited, nor do many people want to admit that they are not attractive.  What number do you want to date? Most importantly, are you being realistic?  Sound off, let us know what you think!

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• Fun, Free Spirited, Colorado Gal

There are a lot of relationship books out there these days to help both men and women find that perfect someone.

To name just a few:

• 10 Rules to Finding a Mate
• How to Find a Husband
• How to find Mr. or Ms. Right
• Bewitch a Man: How to Find Him and Keep Him Under Your Spell
• Find Them, Keep Them, Marry Them

You get the idea; there are a lot of books out there!  What these books teach you is obvious from their titles.  Within these books you will find a wealth of information, but does any of it work?  One common theme in a lot of "find a spouse" books is this – tell everyone you know that you are on the market and looking.  The point behind this exercise it to get your friends, coworkers and family members to help you find someone and to introduce you to people they know.

What is a single to do?

In speaking with a client the other day she asked what more could she do to meet a great man. I suggested (just like the books) that she might want to consider letting friends and others know she is looking and what it is she’s looking for.  She said "NO WAY!! That would make me look desperate!"  I tried to explain that in my opinion it wasn’t a sign of desperation.  You aren’t begging friends and family to marry you off, you are merely letting it be known you’d like to meet someone wonderful.  If 70% of couples, who end up in long term relationships, are introduced to each other through someone they know (like their matchmaker) you are cutting your odds by not speaking up. 

What does it say about you?

So does taking this approach make you look desperate? Or proactive?  Is it a sign of desperation to let others know you want help in finding someone?  Is telling people "I’m available" the same as telling them "I’m desperate?"  Cast your vote on this topic, let me know if this is good advice or bad advice.

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• Brainy Mom
• Patti Novak is a tough sort of gal!

I recently read an article (Denver Post 9/2/08) interviewing Keith Swain, a couples therapist, and some other relationship experts. The article focused on one theory of a good match. It’s a question I get all the time, "how do you match people?" Well, Keith suggests that you look for someone a little different from you. But there is a lot of disagreement on all sides.

Some excerpts

Keith has some key points to make. His theory is that some people are alpha, meaning they focus on careers, finances, success, and they are protective, strong and responsible while other people are beta, more nurturing and artsy, intuitive and emotionally adept soul seekers. The ideal relationship is an alpha and a beta. Two alphas will have epic fights; two betas will eventually get bored with each other. However, there is a lot of disagreement. Mira Kirshenbaum, also quoted in the article, thinks alpha/beta is a decent theory but that eventually the beta partner will get fed up with being second banana. The Bersani/Durkin couple are both alphas and it works just fine for them. Lisa Thomas believes that "love maps" may be the key.

What do you think?

When I look at making matches there are certain areas I don’t compromise on (at least not very often). These areas include religion, politics, child rearing, handling of money, and feelings about race/ethnicity. But what if he’s an avid cyclist and she’s a runner? Or he’s a skier and she hates the cold? It depends on how extreme they each are in their respective areas of interest, but in most cases these are fine differences to have. With Keith’s theory we start getting into personality and that’s where it gets tough. Have you been or are you in an alpha/beta relationship? Or an alpha/alpha? What do you think works? Do you have your own theory on what makes for a long lasting relationship?

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• Patti Novak is a tough sort of gal!

• There are only 1500 matchmakers in the U.S.today.
• eHarmony’s survey to get started has 436 questions!
• Match.com and eHarmony rank 4th and 5th respectively among the top 15 U.S. online dating sites. (What are 1, 2 & 3 you ask? SinglesNet, PlentyofFish and Yahoo).
• eHarmony has been in business 7 years.
• In the future you can expect to see the online dating sites offering matchmaking services through local matchmakers in your area. Why not go directly to the source!

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