Over the years we’ve heard a lot of great ideas from our clients about what they do on Valentine’s Day.  This year, the list is for you men looking to do something besides drink beer with your buddies.  Celebrate your singleness and start a new tradition this Valentine’s Day.

• Buy a dozen roses and hand one out to every woman you see.
• Reserve a table for 10 at a local restaurant, then randomly stop people and invite them to join you for dinner. Mix it up, make sure to invite women, men and couples too.
• Forget wine tasting; invite a group of friends over for a scotch or tequila tasting. Have everyone bring a bottle to share.
• Organize a Facebook singles event and 1) see how many people you can get come and 2) see if you can get a local watering hole to host it.
• This Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday, so catch a flight to Vegas for the weekend. Bring only what you are wearing + a toothbrush.
• Go to a local department store or boutique and offer to buy a woman a red dress or red shoes if she agrees to go out to dinner with you.
• Put a note on your dog’s collar (or a friend’s dog if you don’t have one) inviting a cute gal to dinner. You can always let the dog pick your date.
• Pretend it’s St. Patrick’s Day. Go out with some of your single buddies dressed in green with green beads. Take a chance and give a cutie not wearing green some beads.
• Head out for some adventure, whether it’s a ski day, sky diving, or rock climbing, get out there and clear your head. Hey if you’re lucky you may meet a single woman doing the same thing.
• There is nothing worse than a missed opportunity, so do something you’ve been thinking about doing for a while but have just “chickened out.” Whether it’s getting a tattoo, asking someone out, telling someone off, or shaving your head, whatever it is just do it.

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The Argument for the Man Falling Faster.

My husband’s argument is that women do not typically sleep around or take having sex with someone lightly.  Therefore, a guy knows that if he has sex with a woman, she must really like him already and it is now safe for him to fall head over heels for her.  He points out that my argument fails (see below) because there are in fact some women who sleep around and they don’t fall for the men at all.

The Argument for the Woman Falling Faster.

My argument is that women fall faster because after they have sex with a man something “chemically”  happens and they feel very attached to that man.  Having sex changes something for women. There is a whole body of research by Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, showing how the chemicals in a woman’s body actually cause her to be more attracted to a man she sleeps with, especially if she has an orgasm.  These chemicals may even cause her to fall in love with the man.

Who Falls Faster?

It seems we have my biological argument and a more intellectual argument by my husband.  So the question is, who is right?  Are we both right?  What has been your experience?  Do women or men fall faster? Post your thoughts, we’d love to hear them!

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Mystery

Gentlemen, pay attention – - ladies like a little mystery, a little intrigue, a little hard to get, but (and this is a big BUT), they also like nice guys.  So if you are a nice guy, how do you balance that with a little mystery? For starters, you don’t need to put all your cards on the table within the first few dates.  Hold some close to your chest.  Yes, she might be the most amazing woman you’ve ever met.  Yes, she might be everything you are looking for and more.  No, she doesn’t need to know all that right away!

Be Nice

Don’t get me wrong, you nice guys out there don’t need to turn into jerks.  What you do need to do is SLOW DOWN!  If this is the woman you think you’ll spend the rest of your life with, take your time, she’ll be around for a while.  Don’t rush it and don’t push her.  A nice compliment scattered here or there during the first date is plenty and a quick follow up email saying you had a nice time is fine.  But guys, skip the cards, flowers, gifts, and other very personal and sometimes over the top gestures for later on, when there is already a relationship in place.  Don’t use those things to try to force a relationship; otherwise you might scare her away.

Do Nice Guys Finish Last?

Are you a nice guy? Have you found that perfect match?  If so, what if anything did you do differently? Or if you are still looking do you struggle and are you starting to believe that nice guys finish last? We’d like to hear what you have to say!

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Your List.

Everyone has a list of must have’s and/or deal breakers when they are looking to meet their match.  The list typically has the important things on it, but can’t possibly have everything on it.  Once you make that list isn’t it true that you are agreeing to compromise or settle on the other stuff?

Nobody is Perfect.

When she was told she was settling she was surprised.  In response she said “Don’t we all? Isn’t the fact that we end up with someone, settling?”  Her reasoning, nobody is perfect, therefore accepting anything other than perfection is settling.  We all settle, it’s just a matter of what we each choose to settle on.  Some, like my client, settle when it comes to looks or height.  Others settle on similar interests, religious beliefs, hair color, size, etc.  What will you settle for?  Agree or disagree, we’d love to hear what you have to say!

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Scenarios

Let’s look at a couple scenarios to better demonstrate when it’s chasing and not just being polite.  Of course, the appropriate time to say thank you is when the date is ending.  If you say thank you then, and you should always say thank you, then there is generally no reason to follow up with an additional thank you.  If, however, you were too nervous thinking about that good night kiss and completely forgot to say “Thank you” then in my opinion it is OK to call or send an email the next day to say thank you.   If during the date, or at the end, you and your date discuss going out again or calling each other, then there is no reason to call and say thank you the next day- you’re chasing.

Definitely Chasing

If, during the date, there was no discussion of a future date or a future phone call, but just a polite ending, a woman would definitely be chasing if she were to send a thank you email or phone call.  She is trying to initiate more contact and chase!  If there was a discussion of a future date or phone call and it’s been a week and she hasn’t heard anything, sending a thank you – definitely chasing.

Being Polite

The confusing territory comes up when it is later that evening or the next day.  Many people have been raised to always send a thank you note.  In this day of internet dating snail mail addresses aren’t always known, so those letter writers must resort to email.  In this case, if you are one of those people and absolutely can’t resist sending a thank you, do so, but follow these simple rules.  1) Send it soon, not days later.  2) Make it brief with no mention of going out again or speaking again. 3) Consider it the last communication you will make to him – do not chase!

What Is Your Opinion?

I’d love to know what you think, especially the men out there.  Guys, if you receive a thank you do you think she is chasing you? Is there ever a time when you think it’s ok?  Ladies, do you send thank you’s? and if so why?  Post your opinions here!

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Don’t be Rude or Wimpy.

Ah, the infamous wimpy way out – I’ll just let him/her know via email or text message that I don’t want to see him/her anymore.  Hey, at least I’m letting the other person know, that’s polite right?  WRONG!  I know, it’s difficult when you are single and dating to tell someone you don’t want to see them again. As sensitive human beings we don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings, but it actually feels much better when someone tells you politely and personally that there just isn’t any chemistry there for them.  Agree? Disagree? We’d like to hear from you.  Are you someone who let someone down via text or email? Let us know why you did it that way.

The Text/Email Reply

Here’s another complaint I’ve heard lately, responding to a voice mail with an email or a text message.  Are we all really that busy that we can’t pick up the phone and call someone back?  If you are single and dating, you want to make a great impression.  Sure, it’s OK to text someone to let them know you got their message.  However, let them know you will call them at a certain time when you are more free to talk and then call them!

Tough Issues for Singles

Whether you are dating in Denver or some other town, meeting the right person is tough.  Add technology to the mix and it’s hard to figure out the right thing to do.  Try thinking of it this way – would you respond to your mother or father in this manner? I know my mom would think she did something wrong raising me if I sent her a text message when she has left me a voice mail and asked me to call her back.  Give us your take on it?  What do you think?

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• Brainy Mom

And yet, here you are on your first date. Or at least the first date in years.  Dating when you’re past the teenaged years is a bit different and there are some crucial things to know to help make the experience as positive as possible.

Whether you met Online or someone set you up, that first encounter can make or break your outcome in ways you may not have even considered. Just as first impressions are everything in a job interview, the first date can be instant success or immediate dismay – and much of it you can control with a few simple steps.

Who are you? Really?

Are you 45 and posting your photos on the Internet from when you were thirty-something? Back in the days when you didn’t worry about that touch of gray or those extra 20 pounds? Well, just how long do you think you can fool your date once you meet in person?

I was absolutely shocked when I met a guy for our first date after hooking up on the Net. His photos were incredible! He was fit and absolutely tall, dark, and handsome. Yet, as I walked through the nearly empty bar 3 times looking for him, wondering if he’d arrived yet or not, one thing had stood out from our phone conversation … he had said, “My hair is much longer now than in my pictures.”

No kidding. I finally walked up to the only man with long hair (a ponytail, actually) and asked him if he was John. He was. All extra 30 pounds and 20 years more than his photos led me to believe he was. I couldn’t believe this was even the same man.

Need I say more? If he couldn’t be honest with me about who he was, what else might yet be up his sleeve? I didn’t stick around to find out.

And gals, while your Glamour Shot may seem downright hot to you, most men I chatted with say they prefer “real” photos. They want to know what you’re going to look like even in the morning without your makeup. Most of us can look pretty hot with enough makeup and a stylist …but who are you really? And truthfully, most guys asked women to please cut back on the makeup … high maintenance women are a turn-off, they say.

And if you are 20 pounds overweight, then that’s who you are! Either do something about it or accept yourself as you are and remember that not all the guys out there are Mr. Universe either. We all fight aging and the weight game in our middle years. And everyone likes something different. So be who you are and post a recent photo of you with a big smile and having fun! Let your personality shine through! After all, your looks will continue to change over the years, but your personality is who you are forever.

Shut Up and Listen

Getting to know each other enough during the course of one simple date requires both parties to each take turns listening and speaking. Sometimes folks are so nervous that they either can’t seem to say two words, or more commonly, one person vomits information ad nauseum, driving the other one completely nuts.

Men, it seems, in the typical job interview, want to be sure they tell a potential employer absolutely everything about themselves, so that nothing is left out.

Women, on the other hand, have learned that to express their interest in men, they should keep asking men questions to show their attentiveness. The result is oftentimes a guy who talks forever, a woman who keeps giving him reason to, and then both parties end up lost at the end of the night as the guy knows almost nothing about the woman and the gal thinks all he wants to do is talk about himself!

What men might not know is the unwritten rule that women have about taking turns when they talk. One person goes first, talks a while, then turns to the other and asks a specific question to open the door for the second gal to talk. Then the first gal intently listens. It’s our unwritten rule and it is always confusing to us when men don’t demonstrate this common behavior.

Equal listening and talking are key to getting to know your date – at least enough to learn if you have anything in common. And gals, you may just have to jump in and direct the conversation your way enough that by the end of the night, the guy you’re with knows at least as much about you, as you do about him. Otherwise how else are you both going to know if you have enough in common to justify a second date?

And if you absolutely can’t get him to shut up and listen, then odds are that’s going to be a problem in the long-run. If that’s the case … Pass … there are more fish in the sea!

Sex Talk

I don’t care if they’re teasing, flirting, or just trying to break the ice, mentioning anything to do with sex on the first date is downright inappropriate if what you’re looking for is a deep, long-term relationship with a guy with solid substance. Now if all you’re looking for is a one night stand, then accepting this kind of treatment is just fine.

The real irony of it is that we women have been educated to believe that if we give men sex (as soon as possible), then we’ll hook ‘em right away. Unfortunately, the reality of it is that when men get sex easily and right away, they rarely value the woman who gives it for long. She just wasn’t that hard to win, so they seem to figure that she was pretty easy for other guys to catch too.

Men need to EARN the right to date you, so respect yourself enough to recognize when those red flags are a wavin’ and leave the first-date-sex-talkin’- jockeys to themselves. There are better men coming down the pike, but you have to know to be picky.

Most gals want their men to get to know them first before they feel comfortable opening the sex conversation up for discussion. They want to know that they are liked as a person before they want to get to get to know them intimately. And even if it’s just verbal banter, (“Listen, I’m not trying to get up your skirt – I just want to get to know you!”) sexual suggestions are definitely the wrong way to open up a relationship.

Gals – if that kind of conversation keeps you enthralled, then you’re only telling the guy that those are the games you play too. So be sure to recognize the big red flags guys are throwing out when they talk this way. If they aren’t respectful enough on date number one to treat you like a lady, they sure aren’t going to improve over time.

So take your time. Save the sex talk for later. Be a lady. And set your boundaries.

Make Dating Like Shopping

These are only a few steps to setting the stage for a great first date. Of course if you’re really turned on by tall, dark, and handsome and you end up with blonde, blue-eyed, and chatty … I can’t help you there, except to say that an open mind usually has more choices!

But always remember that dating is like shopping … you know what I mean here.

There is not just one perfect little black dress. There are short sleeved, sleeveless, strapless, and silky. We all have something in mind that works for us. But no one says you have to buy the first one that shows up on the rack!

Just as you guys probably don’t buy the very first hammer you find at Home Depot. They all have a price, a feel, a look … and thus you can relate to shopping for your gal as well.

So know what you want, then go shopping. Enjoy the journey. Try many on for size. Remember that one size doesn’t fit all. Most importantly, be yourself and know what you want.

There’s someone for everyone out there … You may just have to be patient and kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince.

This blog post is courtesy of Mary Jo Fey, RN, MSN, “The Voice of Dating, Mating, andRelating” who leads a dating Meetup group in Denver by the same name.  She is also a columnist, speaker, screenwriter, and award-winning author of 4 relationship books, including: “Please Dear, Not Tonight: The Truth About Women and Sex,” “When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong,” and “The Seven Secrets of Love.”  She can be reached through her website at www.mydateschool.com or byphone at 303-841-7691.

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There are a lot of relationship books out there these days to help both men and women find that perfect someone.

To name just a few:

• 10 Rules to Finding a Mate
• How to Find a Husband
• How to find Mr. or Ms. Right
• Bewitch a Man: How to Find Him and Keep Him Under Your Spell
• Find Them, Keep Them, Marry Them

You get the idea; there are a lot of books out there!  What these books teach you is obvious from their titles.  Within these books you will find a wealth of information, but does any of it work?  One common theme in a lot of "find a spouse" books is this – tell everyone you know that you are on the market and looking.  The point behind this exercise it to get your friends, coworkers and family members to help you find someone and to introduce you to people they know.

What is a single to do?

In speaking with a client the other day she asked what more could she do to meet a great man. I suggested (just like the books) that she might want to consider letting friends and others know she is looking and what it is she’s looking for.  She said "NO WAY!! That would make me look desperate!"  I tried to explain that in my opinion it wasn’t a sign of desperation.  You aren’t begging friends and family to marry you off, you are merely letting it be known you’d like to meet someone wonderful.  If 70% of couples, who end up in long term relationships, are introduced to each other through someone they know (like their matchmaker) you are cutting your odds by not speaking up. 

What does it say about you?

So does taking this approach make you look desperate? Or proactive?  Is it a sign of desperation to let others know you want help in finding someone?  Is telling people "I’m available" the same as telling them "I’m desperate?"  Cast your vote on this topic, let me know if this is good advice or bad advice.

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• Patti Novak is a tough sort of gal!

I recently read an article (Denver Post 9/2/08) interviewing Keith Swain, a couples therapist, and some other relationship experts. The article focused on one theory of a good match. It’s a question I get all the time, "how do you match people?" Well, Keith suggests that you look for someone a little different from you. But there is a lot of disagreement on all sides.

Some excerpts

Keith has some key points to make. His theory is that some people are alpha, meaning they focus on careers, finances, success, and they are protective, strong and responsible while other people are beta, more nurturing and artsy, intuitive and emotionally adept soul seekers. The ideal relationship is an alpha and a beta. Two alphas will have epic fights; two betas will eventually get bored with each other. However, there is a lot of disagreement. Mira Kirshenbaum, also quoted in the article, thinks alpha/beta is a decent theory but that eventually the beta partner will get fed up with being second banana. The Bersani/Durkin couple are both alphas and it works just fine for them. Lisa Thomas believes that "love maps" may be the key.

What do you think?

When I look at making matches there are certain areas I don’t compromise on (at least not very often). These areas include religion, politics, child rearing, handling of money, and feelings about race/ethnicity. But what if he’s an avid cyclist and she’s a runner? Or he’s a skier and she hates the cold? It depends on how extreme they each are in their respective areas of interest, but in most cases these are fine differences to have. With Keith’s theory we start getting into personality and that’s where it gets tough. Have you been or are you in an alpha/beta relationship? Or an alpha/alpha? What do you think works? Do you have your own theory on what makes for a long lasting relationship?

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Do all guys really like raunchy talk? 

I was recently talking with a client and the subject of sex came up.  During the discussion, she said she didn’t really like talking dirty, but has been told guys really like it.  "Hmmm, I wonder if this is the case with all men?" I asked.  Well, as it turns out she had taken a small poll of some of her guy friends and they all said the same thing — "We Love it!"

The Research.

Of course I had to do some of my own research.  Seems that it’s mostly true, guys like the raunchy talk and for some of them the raunchier and more foul the language the better.  I’m not going to get into specific phrases though.  Now, through my own informal poll I found out the following:

• Some guys like to talk dirty on the phone, but prefer to skip it when in person.
• The majority of them said it really turns them on when she talks about what she is going to do to him.
• If she says something really super raunchy when she’s usually pretty bland it can be a turn off for some men, so much so they might laugh out loud.
• Dirty emails are great; all of the men I spoke to loved them, but not while they are at work – too distracting!

The Ladies Side.

In general, the women I talked to about this subject were pretty comfortable talking dirty to their guy.  Several said it took some getting used to and some practice to figure out what their man likes to hear. Some women talk dirty because they know it pleases their man, even if it makes her a bit uncomfortable. One interesting result of all my questioning — about 1/2 the women didn’t like being talked dirty to!

Do you like Dirty Talk?

So the men like it and the women don’t seem to mind doing the talking.  Do you like doing the talking?  or do you prefer to hear your mate talk dirty to you?  How about emails or phone calls, are they a turn on or turn off?  We’d love your opinion and input; let us know your thoughts!

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