A recent Cosmo and AskMen.com survey reported that 40% of men would dump their girlfriend if she gained weight. Appallng? Accurate? On the flip side, only 20% of women said they would dump their boyfriend if he gained weight.

Why the discrepancy? It’s common knowledge that men are generally the more visual of the two sexes. They are more focused on looks and body type than what’s inside a person (that’s all just icing on the proverbial cake). Women on the other hand are a bit more forgiving.

As a matchmaker I interview both men and women. When I ask the women if it’s ok if the man has a little extra weight around the middle, 95% of the time the women say “no problem,” whereas only 5% of men feel the same way.

As linear thinkers men tend to go from 1) she obviously doesn’t care about how she looks to 2) therefore she must not care about me to 3) she doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore to 4) it must be over. Men tend to think who they are with says something about them and who they are.

Women on the other hand start trying to feed vegetables to our guy and cut back on the beer we keep in the fridge. We wouldn’t take his weight gain with any other hidden meaning. We write it off as work stress versus they don’t love us anymore.

Is there something to the way men think? Do women gain weight when they are unhappy? Is it too much of a stretch for a man to think she’s unhappy with the relationship? What about the women? Are we being naive to think our man is gaining weight merely because he’s stressed at work?

What do you think? Would you dump your significant other if they gained weight?

I recently had an interesting discussion with a male client of mine regarding money and relationships. It comes into play on the first date and never seems to end. Who pays the bill on the first date? To eliminate this awkward part of the first date I ask my men to just do it. Don’t fight about it, don’t accept her offer to cover half, just pick up the tab. Why though? Why not have all my couples go dutch? I’ve been asking myself this question and many more since the conversation with my client started and the more I think about it the more questions it raises.

Why Do the Majority of Women Expect the Man to Pay and to Provide?

I think you could argue it’s due to biology – men are the hunter/gatherers and women the caregivers. You could also argue it’s the way we’ve been raised and it’s what we expect. This 2nd argument supports the fact that there are a lot of women out there raised to be independent and to take care of themselves, with no need for a male provider. But do they still want one?  On the flip side, why don’t more men expect the woman to pay and to provide?

Is There a Feeling of Self Worth and Power Involved When it Comes to Money Matters?

If a man provides and the woman doesn’t, does that make him more powerful, or vice versa? As a man, can you respect a woman who wants you to provide for her and take care of her? While a lot of my men want a woman who can take care of herself, they all believe it’s nice to feel wanted. Maybe money isn’t the problem, maybe the problem is making sure the other person, whether it’s the man or woman feels wanted, respected, and not taken advantage of. Whether she’s taking advantage of your checkbook or you are taking advantage of her care giving (do this, do that) it may be more a matter of respect than money.

Can a Woman be Too Independent?

I get comments from men all the time when they read a profile about a woman where the word “independent” is used.  The majority of my male clients don’t like the word Independent.  They want a woman who needs them.  That doesn’t mean she needs him financially.  Think of it from a man’s perspective ladies. If you can change your own tire, kill your own spiders, fix a leaking toilet, hang your own paintings, pleasure yourself sexually, earn your own money, then what do you need a man for? These are just some of the things a man thinks about when he hears the word “independent” associated with a woman.  But I don’t think it’s what the woman means.  What I hear from the ladies is they are trying to let the guy know they aren’t in it for the money, they don’t expect him to clean up their messes, and that it would be really nice if they didn’t have to kill spiders anymore.

What do you think? Sound off and maybe together we can figure it out!

After each date, I ask my clients to follow up with me and let me know how the date went.  I hear a lot of the same sort of feedback every time and pass along the same words of wisdom each time.  I thought it would be worth sharing these thoughts on date feedback with everyone, so after your next date you will be able to make a decision as to whether or not you want to see your date again!

My date’s hairstyle/clothes/shoes/glasses were outdated or not stylish.

This comment is usually preceded by “I know this is going to sound shallow, but…”  Yes, you do sound shallow.  These are all issues that can be addressed and fixed.   Maybe not right way, so you might have to suffer going out with your date a few more times with a less than trendy hairstyle, but hair, clothes, shoes, they can all be updated.  A personality flaw, well that’s a bit harder to fix.

He/she was too short/too tall/too heavy/too skinny

We all have perfect bodies and we should expect the same from our mate, right?  WRONG!  OK, I know, you are thinking – I’m not attracted to someone who is over-weight.  Fine, I get that, if you are fit and have a thinner physique you will probably connect better with someone similar because chances are they will be as active as you are.  If you aren’t so active and fit, maybe a partner built like you will help you both get back to better bodies.

Now I’m going to pick on each sex equally.  Ladies, I hear it all the time – “I need a man who is at least 6 ft. tall to make me feel ______.” Safe/small/secure/loved” – you fill in the blank.  Isn’t it more important that your man treat you like a princess, have similar beliefs and values, be smart, handsome and able to carry on an intelligent conversation?  Rather than focus on his height, look at all his other great qualities – and squeeze his bicep just for fun, chances are it will feel pretty good.  And wouldn’t you rather have some nice strong arms giving you a hug than no arms at all?

Now for the men.  “I’m just not attracted to a woman with ______.”  Short hair/brown hair/big hips/small boobs – you fill in the blank.  I understand that everyone has their preferences, but I’ll say the same thing I said to the ladies.  Isn’t it more important that you are attracted to her, enjoy the time you spend with her, and she likes some of the same things you like?  If you’ve never tried being with a woman that has a feature you don’t think you like, maybe you should give it a try, you might be surprised by the outcome.

My date talked too much/didn’t talk at all/grilled me/didn’t ask me any questions.

One of these things happens on most every date.  Maybe it’s you who committed the fault, maybe it was your date.  Either way, consider it a first date case of the nerves and give your date a second chance.  If you see the same thing happen on the 2nd date, fine, at least you gave it a shot.  If I had written off my husband the first time I met him because he didn’t pay for my french fries when we went out after the bar I wouldn’t be happily married 18 years.

Have you missed out on your perfect match because you didn’t give them a chance?  You’ll never know, but in the future, make sure you don’t miss out.  Have a thought on this topic? Post a reply, we’d love to hear what you have to say!

Denver dating ideas

Over the years we’ve heard a lot of great ideas from our clients about what they do on Valentine’s Day.  This year, the list is for you men looking to do something besides drink beer with your buddies.  Celebrate your singleness and start a new tradition this Valentine’s Day.

• Buy a dozen roses and hand one out to every woman you see.
• Reserve a table for 10 at a local restaurant, then randomly stop people and invite them to join you for dinner. Mix it up, make sure to invite women, men and couples too.
• Forget wine tasting; invite a group of friends over for a scotch or tequila tasting. Have everyone bring a bottle to share.
• Organize a Facebook singles event and 1) see how many people you can get come and 2) see if you can get a local watering hole to host it.
• This Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday, so catch a flight to Vegas for the weekend. Bring only what you are wearing + a toothbrush.
• Go to a local department store or boutique and offer to buy a woman a red dress or red shoes if she agrees to go out to dinner with you.
• Put a note on your dog’s collar (or a friend’s dog if you don’t have one) inviting a cute gal to dinner. You can always let the dog pick your date.
• Pretend it’s St. Patrick’s Day. Go out with some of your single buddies dressed in green with green beads. Take a chance and give a cutie not wearing green some beads.
• Head out for some adventure, whether it’s a ski day, sky diving, or rock climbing, get out there and clear your head. Hey if you’re lucky you may meet a single woman doing the same thing.
• There is nothing worse than a missed opportunity, so do something you’ve been thinking about doing for a while but have just “chickened out.” Whether it’s getting a tattoo, asking someone out, telling someone off, or shaving your head, whatever it is just do it.